SUFFERING is HIP: Necro-Nerd Awards

"You are a dick and you think that you are wonderful.
Conceited pricks like you can kiss my ass."
-- Memnoch

Check Out Past Necro-Nerds:

	The Shanmonster Page of Delights & Vertical Imagery Bestowed by the Ugli Duchesse Take a tour of the lurid brain of the Shanmonster. Come on, we dare you. We enjoyed this jaunt so much we recruited the Shanmonster as a columnist for "Detritus". With section titles like: Jesus was Gother than You: check out the rebuttals from the christian right. The Witching Hour: An insightful look into three hundred years of witch trials. Gothily Animated PerkyWeb Graphics: The ankh! The spinning ankhs! NOW we know just who is to blame. These little babies are probably the singularly most ripped off graphic on the gothic web! Rant & Rage: The page that made us love her. Shiver Me Chickens: Ok, so she has a thing for chickens ... There's more than that, she's veritably prolific ... but you'll have to check for yourself. Her "perkygoff" slapstick, and cynical mad-as-hell opinions (and she has many) will embroil you for hours, days, nay! weeks even. And besides, we found the link to our NEXT review on her pages ... somewhere .... NOTE: See all the spinning ankh thingies on this page ...? They belong to Daveman & the Shanmonster, don't you just luv 'em? See how we give them credit and a link back to their pages. It's easy, you can do it too.
	Jesus of the Week Bestowed by the Ugli Duchesse This site will put your bladder to the test for sure. Peter Gilstrap has gone through great pains to bring the world a weekly Jesus. But they are not just any Jesii ... they're Americana at its best. You'll find velvet Jesus', ceramic, day-glo, paint by numbers Jesus', and even a weasel (find the weasel!). You could spend, well, a whole WEEK galavanting through the JOTW archives, which are placed on a convenient sidebar for you delectation. And not only that, but each Jesus comes with his own individual commentary, which is worth the price of admission alone, and more often than not, better crafted than the Jesus he is describing. A Few of Our Favorites (and we have by no means seen them all): No. I - the lovely pic that started it all. No. IX - Ok, ok ... so its not Jesus ... but ... No. LXXIII - Jesus just loved little boys! This is one of those silly sites that I just can't get enough of.
	Great Mobil Homes of Mississippi Bestowed by the Ugli Duchesse Soon after the Marquis and I relocated to the glorious South (all hail!), we took a little road trip. Hopping in a vehicle of dubious origin we made a bee line for dry land, heading north to the infamous state of Mississippi. To the land where purple hair and a rock n' roll attitude are still suspect, where even buying a pop from a roadside market makes you feel dirty. Granted our little trip was a slap-dash and rather abbreviated jaunt, but what we found there will astound: thousands of turtles and yes, mobile homes. In fact, aside from the various gas stations and liquor stores, nearly the only natural dwellings to be found were habitats of the mobile variety. You can imagine my delight when I ran across this site, Great Mobile Homes of Mississippi. GMHOM focuses on a small cross section of mobile homes from Columbus, Mississippi, but these are not your garden variety mobile shanties, these are the cream of the so-called crop. Your host will take you through a variety of the local sites, lending helpful comments and critiques along the way. He's even included a most intriguing array of fan (?) mail from his viewers, that will not fail to amuse and inform. What did we learn from this drive-by foray into Mississippi? Well, not much, except that there is an entire strata of our society left virtually untouched by popular culture, their stories and lifestyles explored only by mavericks such as David Lynch and John Waters.
	BourboCAM Bestowed by thee Phunkee Phresh Prince of Darkness The award, "For the Voyeur Perpetue" goes to BourboCAM on Bourbon Street. This website offers the best (and only?) 24 hour eye-on-Bourbon-Street-cam, wherein you, the at-home viewer, have a good sporting chance of glimpsing Us, the Editorial 'We', as we drunkenly stumble down Rue Bourbon on our way to Krystal Burgers from one of our local haunts up the road. For those who have never been to New Orleans and have been thinking about a pilgrimage, don't let the horrors shown via the Cat's Meow big eye deter you. It's not all frat boys and mimes! Promise! Bourbon St. specifically is not a very spoookeee place, per se, but if you look reeeeally closely, you can find little mini-vampires and goth-sluts (they're all strippers, oddly) flitting about behind the tourists, trees, balconies, plastic cups and vomit stains. The camera takes a shot and immediately updates its site every minute (or try the high speed version that updates every 20 seconds ... weeeee!). An historical page shows what's been going on recently. If you want to catch yourself on BourboCAM, RUSH home, because you've only got 24 hours to see yourself until your are irretrievably ousted into the Void. (Ouch. The Void. The Pain.) Kallistí made it in time, however. Had to catch a cab, too. We'll call it a write-off.
	le Paradis Artificial Bestowed by the Ugli Duchesse Ok, so I'm running out of awards, and I just had to give this guy something, because, well ... I want to be his friend. And there are items on the site that are significantly historical ... like the Ludwig of Bavaria section, etc. No. Really. le PA is a strange little jaunt into the interests (obsessions?) of one man, Richard Hawkins (write him, he's lonely). Always a sucker for sites that defy definition, this one assuredly takes the cake. The site is designed around the concept of "dungeons", wherein one embarks upon brief forrays into intriguing closets and back alleys, and secret passageways, including current obsessions, artwork, and male cheesecake from days of yore. A brief smattering of some material to be found: Matt Dillon in a Graveyard (from "Little Darlings") - I nearly pee'd when I located this, I've been trying to remember the name of that movie for MONTHS! les Precipices Asiatique: - Explore the Asian Tunnel, in its various and sundry, er, facets and, um, positions. HONK! Disembodied Supermodel Zombies - Severed Heads! An arrow aimed straight at my heart! Gorgeous, dripping, beautiful severed heads! les Folies des Hommes - This is a must see ... 60's homo cheesecake, complete with pink backdrops and white fur. Oh! To die for! And for those with determination, there are two secret dungeons located somewhere on the site. I found them (but of course I WOULD), can you?
	Memnoch, the Ornery Li'l Devil Bestowed by the Ugli Duchesse and thee Phunkee Phresh Prince of Darkness This issue's Stalkade Award is a doozy indeed! We have reconstructed the various stages of the Offending Party's web pages to illustrate the progression of the story. Click here to see the original page, then read on... Subject: Stealer ... From: Kallistí <kallisti@sepulchritude.com> Organization: Sepulchritude To: le Marquis Déjà Dû Ok, not only did the little twerp steal my graphic (the huge one at that) and link directly to my server, but he claims that possibly the reason for the absinthe resurgence is because of the Perfect Drug video ..... eeeeeooooow! He of course qualifies this with the fact that they're his favorite band. You must help me come up with a suitable response to this ill-begotten child. (he calls all other NIN fans "wannabes", urrrgh--) Normally I would say "Pah!" and ignore such rampant, if not naïve ignorance, but I am hormonal, and in the mood for a fight... k Click here to view the first battle strike. The next email was a mass mailing to all webmasters from whom Memnoch stole. Subject: Bandwidth Thief From: Kallistí <kallisti@sepulchritude.com> Organization: Sepulchritude To: ... Dear Fellow Webmasters/mistresses: A grievous impunity has befallen us all. Well, maybe not so much a grievous impunity, but certainly an opportunity to have a little fun. You on this short but sweet mailing list are being robbed. ROBBED, I say! by a rather adorably angst-ridden pre-pubescent Nine Inch Nails fan from God Knows Where. He has linked directly to a graphic or graphics on your page or pages and this, as we all know, simply shouldn't be. The thief resides at: http://members.tripod com/~Memnoch66/index.html Let me tell you what little game I played, and see if you would like to play too. To preface my actions, I will inform you that the Subject offers no email link on his site and is thus incommunicado. Open season for a turkey shoot, in my book! I changed the original stolen graphic to the most insidious thing I could think of in regards to a 14 year old hormone-wracked, spooky-goth-kid. A blaring, cheerfully-coloured poster of Hanson with a wee note amounting to a wrist-slap. His response to this bit of good-natured abuse was this: To the moronic asshole who thought that he would teach me a lesson by posting his little threatening Hanson picture on my page: YOU ARE TRULY A FUCKIN PRICK. FIRST OF ALL - IF YOU THINK THAT I WOULD HAVE A HARD TIME FIGURING OUT HOW TO CHANGE THAT PICTURE - THEN FUCK YOU YOU STUPID ASS BASTARD. SECOND OF ALL - IM JUST STARTING TO LEARN TO PROGRAM HOMEPAGES - YOU COULD HAVE AT LEAST TRIED SOMETHING A LITTLE NICER IN AN ATTEMPT TO LET ME KNOW. IM NOT A JERK - BUT IT PISSES ME OFF THAT THERE ARE CRACKWHORES LIKE YOU WHO, IN BETWEEN GETTING SCREWED UP THE ASS, HAVE TO BE ASSHOLES TO ME. WELL FUCK YOU AND YOUR SKANKY ASS FAMILY. AND DONT WORRY - I WILL RETURN THE FAVOR. I DONT KNOW MUCH ABOUT HTML PROGRAMMING YET, BUT I DO KNOW HOW TO GET EVEN. HAVE A NICE DAY AND DONT GET TOO MUCH SEMEN SHOT INTO YOUR FACE. Charming, no? And such astute cadence and such a firm grasp of grammatics! Then, upon returning from work today, I find this posted in my guestbook (note again the lack of email address): Name: die E-mail address: You are a dick and you think that you are wonderful. Conceited pricks like you can kiss my ass. Fascinating gender assumption. I prefer to be called a 'cunt', thank you. MY REQUEST TO YOU THEN: If you can spare 10 minutes, and if you feel so inclined to malign an adorable little ne'er-do-well (and thus give him something tangible to whine about), I urge you to alter your source graphic that is being pilfered, preferrably to something that such a person would find horrendously embarrassing. (Note the response from my choice of Hanson turned into a "threat" :-) Thank you in advance for your time and sense of humour. Violated, like you, and loving it, Kallistí Click here for the third installment as the two dear souls below also took up merry arms and joined our silly crusade. Subject: Re: Bandwidth Thief From: ... To: <kallisti@sepulchritude.com> I don't really mind people nabbing my images if they offer a link back but this kid is really asking for it >:-) I've replaced the image with something more suitable. Check at yourleisure :-) Erich Subject: Re: Bandwidth Thief From: ... To: <kallisti@sepulchritude.com> I put a nice little image of "free gay action" up in place of the deadsouls.com images. thanks for the tip Ben The epilogue to this story is rather anticlimactic, as are most things in life. The boy has simply moved a few images to his server and revamped the page. No futher litanies or vexed orations are offered to us, his conspirators.

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Note: The term "Necro-Nerd" is lovingly lifted from the animated series "The Maxx", which originally aired on MTV or something ...

Note II: All persons related to, or remotely associated with Sepulchritude, the Suffering is Hip staff or their 9 respective felines are eligible for this award and in fact should expect one any day now. If one is not forthcoming, those persons of above mentioned consanguinal associations should take the oversight personally and consider crossing the aforementioned off their xmas card lists. Or at least ruminate mournfully upon the injustice of this cruel, cold world while listening to Joy Division.

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	The Shanmonster Page of Delights & Vertical Imagery Bestowed by the Ugli Duchesse Take a tour of the lurid brain of the Shanmonster. Come on, we dare you. We enjoyed this jaunt so much we recruited the Shanmonster as a columnist for "Detritus". With section titles like: Jesus was Gother than You: check out the rebuttals from the christian right. The Witching Hour: An insightful look into three hundred years of witch trials. Gothily Animated PerkyWeb Graphics: The ankh! The spinning ankhs! NOW we know just who is to blame. These little babies are probably the singularly most ripped off graphic on the gothic web! Rant & Rage: The page that made us love her. Shiver Me Chickens: Ok, so she has a thing for chickens ... There's more than that, she's veritably prolific ... but you'll have to check for yourself. Her "perkygoff" slapstick, and cynical mad-as-hell opinions (and she has many) will embroil you for hours, days, nay! weeks even. And besides, we found the link to our NEXT review on her pages ... somewhere .... NOTE: See all the spinning ankh thingies on this page ...? They belong to Daveman & the Shanmonster, don't you just luv 'em? See how we give them credit and a link back to their pages. It's easy, you can do it too.
	Jesus of the Week Bestowed by the Ugli Duchesse This site will put your bladder to the test for sure. Peter Gilstrap has gone through great pains to bring the world a weekly Jesus. But they are not just any Jesii ... they're Americana at its best. You'll find velvet Jesus', ceramic, day-glo, paint by numbers Jesus', and even a weasel (find the weasel!). You could spend, well, a whole WEEK galavanting through the JOTW archives, which are placed on a convenient sidebar for you delectation. And not only that, but each Jesus comes with his own individual commentary, which is worth the price of admission alone, and more often than not, better crafted than the Jesus he is describing. A Few of Our Favorites (and we have by no means seen them all): No. I - the lovely pic that started it all. No. IX - Ok, ok ... so its not Jesus ... but ... No. LXXIII - Jesus just loved little boys! This is one of those silly sites that I just can't get enough of.
	Great Mobil Homes of Mississippi Bestowed by the Ugli Duchesse Soon after the Marquis and I relocated to the glorious South (all hail!), we took a little road trip. Hopping in a vehicle of dubious origin we made a bee line for dry land, heading north to the infamous state of Mississippi. To the land where purple hair and a rock n' roll attitude are still suspect, where even buying a pop from a roadside market makes you feel dirty. Granted our little trip was a slap-dash and rather abbreviated jaunt, but what we found there will astound: thousands of turtles and yes, mobile homes. In fact, aside from the various gas stations and liquor stores, nearly the only natural dwellings to be found were habitats of the mobile variety. You can imagine my delight when I ran across this site, Great Mobile Homes of Mississippi. GMHOM focuses on a small cross section of mobile homes from Columbus, Mississippi, but these are not your garden variety mobile shanties, these are the cream of the so-called crop. Your host will take you through a variety of the local sites, lending helpful comments and critiques along the way. He's even included a most intriguing array of fan (?) mail from his viewers, that will not fail to amuse and inform. What did we learn from this drive-by foray into Mississippi? Well, not much, except that there is an entire strata of our society left virtually untouched by popular culture, their stories and lifestyles explored only by mavericks such as David Lynch and John Waters.
	BourboCAM Bestowed by thee Phunkee Phresh Prince of Darkness The award, "For the Voyeur Perpetue" goes to BourboCAM on Bourbon Street. This website offers the best (and only?) 24 hour eye-on-Bourbon-Street-cam, wherein you, the at-home viewer, have a good sporting chance of glimpsing Us, the Editorial 'We', as we drunkenly stumble down Rue Bourbon on our way to Krystal Burgers from one of our local haunts up the road. For those who have never been to New Orleans and have been thinking about a pilgrimage, don't let the horrors shown via the Cat's Meow big eye deter you. It's not all frat boys and mimes! Promise! Bourbon St. specifically is not a very spoookeee place, per se, but if you look reeeeally closely, you can find little mini-vampires and goth-sluts (they're all strippers, oddly) flitting about behind the tourists, trees, balconies, plastic cups and vomit stains. The camera takes a shot and immediately updates its site every minute (or try the high speed version that updates every 20 seconds ... weeeee!). An historical page shows what's been going on recently. If you want to catch yourself on BourboCAM, RUSH home, because you've only got 24 hours to see yourself until your are irretrievably ousted into the Void. (Ouch. The Void. The Pain.) Kallistí made it in time, however. Had to catch a cab, too. We'll call it a write-off.
	le Paradis Artificial Bestowed by the Ugli Duchesse Ok, so I'm running out of awards, and I just had to give this guy something, because, well ... I want to be his friend. And there are items on the site that are significantly historical ... like the Ludwig of Bavaria section, etc. No. Really. le PA is a strange little jaunt into the interests (obsessions?) of one man, Richard Hawkins (write him, he's lonely). Always a sucker for sites that defy definition, this one assuredly takes the cake. The site is designed around the concept of "dungeons", wherein one embarks upon brief forrays into intriguing closets and back alleys, and secret passageways, including current obsessions, artwork, and male cheesecake from days of yore. A brief smattering of some material to be found: Matt Dillon in a Graveyard (from "Little Darlings") - I nearly pee'd when I located this, I've been trying to remember the name of that movie for MONTHS! les Precipices Asiatique: - Explore the Asian Tunnel, in its various and sundry, er, facets and, um, positions. HONK! Disembodied Supermodel Zombies - Severed Heads! An arrow aimed straight at my heart! Gorgeous, dripping, beautiful severed heads! les Folies des Hommes - This is a must see ... 60's homo cheesecake, complete with pink backdrops and white fur. Oh! To die for! And for those with determination, there are two secret dungeons located somewhere on the site. I found them (but of course I WOULD), can you?
	Memnoch, the Ornery Li'l Devil Bestowed by the Ugli Duchesse and thee Phunkee Phresh Prince of Darkness This issue's Stalkade Award is a doozy indeed! We have reconstructed the various stages of the Offending Party's web pages to illustrate the progression of the story. Click here to see the original page, then read on... Subject: Stealer ... From: Kallistí <kallisti@sepulchritude.com> Organization: Sepulchritude To: le Marquis Déjà Dû Ok, not only did the little twerp steal my graphic (the huge one at that) and link directly to my server, but he claims that possibly the reason for the absinthe resurgence is because of the Perfect Drug video ..... eeeeeooooow! He of course qualifies this with the fact that they're his favorite band. You must help me come up with a suitable response to this ill-begotten child. (he calls all other NIN fans "wannabes", urrrgh--) Normally I would say "Pah!" and ignore such rampant, if not naïve ignorance, but I am hormonal, and in the mood for a fight... k Click here to view the first battle strike. The next email was a mass mailing to all webmasters from whom Memnoch stole. Subject: Bandwidth Thief From: Kallistí <kallisti@sepulchritude.com> Organization: Sepulchritude To: ... Dear Fellow Webmasters/mistresses: A grievous impunity has befallen us all. Well, maybe not so much a grievous impunity, but certainly an opportunity to have a little fun. You on this short but sweet mailing list are being robbed. ROBBED, I say! by a rather adorably angst-ridden pre-pubescent Nine Inch Nails fan from God Knows Where. He has linked directly to a graphic or graphics on your page or pages and this, as we all know, simply shouldn't be. The thief resides at: http://members.tripod com/~Memnoch66/index.html Let me tell you what little game I played, and see if you would like to play too. To preface my actions, I will inform you that the Subject offers no email link on his site and is thus incommunicado. Open season for a turkey shoot, in my book! I changed the original stolen graphic to the most insidious thing I could think of in regards to a 14 year old hormone-wracked, spooky-goth-kid. A blaring, cheerfully-coloured poster of Hanson with a wee note amounting to a wrist-slap. His response to this bit of good-natured abuse was this: To the moronic asshole who thought that he would teach me a lesson by posting his little threatening Hanson picture on my page: YOU ARE TRULY A FUCKIN PRICK. FIRST OF ALL - IF YOU THINK THAT I WOULD HAVE A HARD TIME FIGURING OUT HOW TO CHANGE THAT PICTURE - THEN FUCK YOU YOU STUPID ASS BASTARD. SECOND OF ALL - IM JUST STARTING TO LEARN TO PROGRAM HOMEPAGES - YOU COULD HAVE AT LEAST TRIED SOMETHING A LITTLE NICER IN AN ATTEMPT TO LET ME KNOW. IM NOT A JERK - BUT IT PISSES ME OFF THAT THERE ARE CRACKWHORES LIKE YOU WHO, IN BETWEEN GETTING SCREWED UP THE ASS, HAVE TO BE ASSHOLES TO ME. WELL FUCK YOU AND YOUR SKANKY ASS FAMILY. AND DONT WORRY - I WILL RETURN THE FAVOR. I DONT KNOW MUCH ABOUT HTML PROGRAMMING YET, BUT I DO KNOW HOW TO GET EVEN. HAVE A NICE DAY AND DONT GET TOO MUCH SEMEN SHOT INTO YOUR FACE. Charming, no? And such astute cadence and such a firm grasp of grammatics! Then, upon returning from work today, I find this posted in my guestbook (note again the lack of email address): Name: die E-mail address: You are a dick and you think that you are wonderful. Conceited pricks like you can kiss my ass. Fascinating gender assumption. I prefer to be called a 'cunt', thank you. MY REQUEST TO YOU THEN: If you can spare 10 minutes, and if you feel so inclined to malign an adorable little ne'er-do-well (and thus give him something tangible to whine about), I urge you to alter your source graphic that is being pilfered, preferrably to something that such a person would find horrendously embarrassing. (Note the response from my choice of Hanson turned into a "threat" :-) Thank you in advance for your time and sense of humour. Violated, like you, and loving it, Kallistí Click here for the third installment as the two dear souls below also took up merry arms and joined our silly crusade. Subject: Re: Bandwidth Thief From: ... To: <kallisti@sepulchritude.com> I don't really mind people nabbing my images if they offer a link back but this kid is really asking for it >:-) I've replaced the image with something more suitable. Check at yourleisure :-) Erich Subject: Re: Bandwidth Thief From: ... To: <kallisti@sepulchritude.com> I put a nice little image of "free gay action" up in place of the deadsouls.com images. thanks for the tip Ben The epilogue to this story is rather anticlimactic, as are most things in life. The boy has simply moved a few images to his server and revamped the page. No futher litanies or vexed orations are offered to us, his conspirators.