|Pleasure can be a resource, and the penis as giver of pleasure, a nuptial gift. The Japanese in the eighth century reiterated the notion of pleasure as a resource in the gift-giving ceremony of tsutsumi. Japanese aristocrats wrapped their penises in silks and ribbons and presented them to their wives as nuptial gifts (Busch and Silver 1990). The practice of tsutsumi evolved into Kokigami, a highly sensual, intimate event in which the man wears a paper sculpture of an animal or mythical creature over his penis and presents it to his lover. Pleasure motivates human sexuality; sexual pleasure is an important mechanism for adapting specific behaviours that organize and shape human cultures as well as individual humans.|
Outstretched arms and fingers imitate the tentacles in a waving pulsating motion. With the hips held back, move slowly towards your partner making gentle sucking sounds. Hold arms together and leap quickly back if disturbed.
Male: "Come to me little fishy. Let my strong sensitive tentacles gently stroke and enfold your quivering body.
Female: Your tentacles dance most beautifully but they have many suckers and I wonder what they are for.
Hold arms out from body like delta wings, lean well forward and rush toward your partner making loud whooshing sounds. Later, swirl around silently as you go into orbit and prepare for re-entry.
Male: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 ...... We have lift off!
Female: This is Venus Base Station. Prepare for docking.
Flapping arms slowly and gracefully, circle your prey, cawing the eagle's call. Jump on your partner's face and try to pick her up with your toes.
Male: "I will get you my little mousy-mousy There is no hope for your survival."
Female: (singing) "Oh say can you seeeee ... by the dawn's early liiiiight..."
With tense, suspenseful vibrations, simulate a toaster about ready to pop. With a 'ca-ching!' noise, thrust hips forward as a waffle popping up. Scamper about the room, fanning the scorching hot waffle as if it were too hot to hold.
Male: "Leggo my Eggo!"
Female: "Nothin' says lovin' like dough in my oven!"
Sneak about the room, hiding behind dressers and doors, always making sure your pistol is aimed and cocked when entering a vulnerable area.
Male: "I'll smash your fucking brains in you scaly, filthy bitch!"
Female: "I didn't take the drugs! I didn't steal the dough!"
Male: (firing pistol with a 'Blooey! Blooey!') "Look atchoo now! Look atchoo now! You dead!"
Stand in the middle of the room with hands next to face. Look worried and don't move. Stay this way until 'released.'
Male: "I'm sorry I kissed the maiden fair."
Male: Please let me atone in my own special way, ma'am."
(Note to Female: This is a good one to invite your friends over to point and laugh at the prisoner.)
Run around the room making 'Swoosh-swoosh!' noises, slicing at organs and skin tissues. If the patient starts to awaken, anesthetize promptly.
Male: "Nurse, hold the skin flaps open, please."
Female: (dabs Male's forehead with dry cloth, mopping sweat.)
Male: "I've lost her."
March up to your partner and urgently tap your watch. Place hands on hips and scowl.
Male: "I want you to take a memo."
Female: "Can I use the dictaphone?"
Stand in the corner and allow your door to be opened and looked at. Make a steady humming noise.
Male: "I've got lovely tidbits for you."
Female: (goes to door) "There's nothing good to eat but leftovers."
Male: "Try the Missile-Pop."
Stand up straight and act fermented. Pucker lips to demonstrate your vinegar taste. Make Vlassic noises.
Male: I'm so fresh and I'm so Kosher."
Female: "I hate pickles."
Male: "Hold the pickle."
Hold ankles and twirl around until your top is at preferable height. Graze your stick against the wall, making 'squish-squish' sounds with your hands. If repelled, sniff pits.
Male: "Let me rub against your armpits."
Female: "Your scent is musky, but you will clog my pores."
Male: "It will be worth it."
Bounce around room, knocking into furniture, exclaiming 'Bing! Bing! Bing!' If hit by flipper, fall into hole.
Male: "Insert quarter."
Female: "Do I get an extra ball?"
Male: "Only if you tilt."
Female: "Game over."
(Note: For size B+ and up only. Sorry, boys.)
Lumber around with bits of spinach in your teeth making guttural roaring noises. If threatened, spit like a llama at your foe and lumber clumsily away.
Male: "I am a mighty big thing."
Female: "You belong in a museum."
Male: "I am a mighty big thing."
Female: "Yah, but I hear you don't eat meat."
Sit on table, glowing, and emanate heat. If blown, go out. Careful not to get your wick wet.
Male: "See how long you can stick your finger over me."
Female: (does this and says:) "Ouch! That hurts!"
Stand in the corner looking pretty. Make jingly noises with two lozenges clicking on your teeth. As you dry up, drop some needles on the rug.
Male: "Have you been a good little girl?"
Female: "Good is intrinsically a relative term."
Male: "Come and see what present lies for you."
Female: (looking under tree) "Jewels!"
Stand innocently next to the desk and abruptly make a loud, piercing scream, jumping up and down urgently.
Male: "Pick me up! Pick me up!"
Male: "Could I get a pizza delivered?"
Female: "Sorry, wrong number."
Pile your back with objects and traverse the room without drinking a lot. Whinny sporadically. If whipped too hard, spit like a brontosaurus.
Male: "May I take you over the mountain?"
Female: "No, but you can come to the valley."
Male: "But the path is rocky and treacherous."
Female: "Be careful then."
On hands and knees, wander the room slowly lifting head and revolving it almost all the way around. Retract head if scolded. Deep throat lettuce.
Male: "If you're nice to me, I'll poke my head out."
Male: "Oh, soon."
Female: "I'm sorry, I cannot wait for you."
Vibrate and hum and warm kibbles. Rotate plate. If food is wrapped in foil, explode. When food is warm enough, make a cheeky 'Ding' sound and open your door.
Male: "Don't put your face too close to me when I'm busy."
Female: "But why?"
Male: "Because your hair will fall out and one leg will be shorter than the other in 20 years."
Female: (nonchalantly) "Oh you're a catch."
Take up a lot of room sitting on the dresser. Hiss and shake and make milk foam. Infiltrate grounds, making sure to moisten every bean. Catch liquid in a pot and call it coffee. Add milk or sugar, if desired. Try not to drink more than 3 cups a day. It can be bad for your health and stain your teeth. Don't buy Colombian. They cut down rain forests.
Male: "I will percolate if you life the correct lever."
Female: "I'm tired and need a pick-me-up."
Male: "Then I will make you a cappuccino by foaming you."
Female: "Eww. Eww."
Stand by the bookshelf and act neglected. If opened, demonstrate the meaning of 'zygotomatic'. If ignored, collect dust.
Male: "pûl' kri-t/y/õõd'"
Female: "I'm sorry, sir, I cannot understand."
Male: "Look it up."
Stand there and wait to be taken and ingested. Do nothing else.
Male: "Hi dear."
Female: "Not tonight, honey, I have a headache."
Male: "Swallow me."
Puff out your cheeks and wiggle your arms around. Spin around the room and leech onto your partner. Divide and conquer.
Male: "I am a single amoeba, tiny but proud."
Female: "Divide your cell walls and become many all over me!"
Male: "I am a multiple organism."
Lie in a fetal position on the floor. Allow your partner to crack you open and taste your precious nutmeats.
Male: "How do you like my aftertaste?"
Female: "Shut up."
Glower at your partner accusingly, chain-smoking. Complain insipidly. If repreached, fix yourself another highball and threaten with a lawsuit.
Male: "Where the hell were you last night?" Female: "Out with the boys."
Male: "And I'm supposed to believe this?"
Female: "Did you take more than your prescribed amount of diet pills again?"
Male: "I cook and clean all day for you and this is how I get treated? All I ask for is a gold card and a little respect, and all I get is mental cruelty, negligence, and duress. I swear, I don't know how much longer I can put up with this shit. I mean, I've had just about enough! If things don't start changing around here, I swear..."
Female: "Shut up and fix me a turkey pot pie."
Pinch ears up to pinnacles, one eyebrow raised. Scrutinize your partner skeptically. If she tries to melt your brain, set phasers on 'stun'.
Male: "My equation needs a satisfactory resolution."
Female: "My furry tribble knows all."
Male: "This is illogical."
Making a striking sound, light your fag. Inhale and look satisfied. Cough. Snub cigarette out in nearest receptacle.
Male: "I'm so satisfying if you suck on me a long time."
Female: "But you're bad for me."
Male: "Are you pregnant or nursing or currently experiencing emphysema?"
Female: "The surgeon general warned me about you."
Curl toes, simulating roots in a pot. Drape and drip seductively. Get eaten by the cat. Match the furniture.
Male: "Mist me baby, I am dying."
Female: "But you have spores."
Male: "I need your green thumb."
Female: "You need a transplant."
Perch on figurines, moult and shit. Waddle to dirty spot on carpet and eat it, along with any loose objects you encounter.
Male: "Toss me some food. I'm ever-hungry."
Female: "I know your type. You eat anything."
Male: "Shall I do a mating dance?"
Female: "Save it, you filthy rat-with-wings."
Capture prey and puncture jugular. Suck vital fluids until prey is unconscious.
Male: "'Come into my parlour', said the spider to your fly."
Female: (lies motionless and unresponsive)
Male: (shrugs shoulders and goes to work)
Orbit room slowly, coming closest to partner in October. Show dark side. Use your gravity to control her tides.
Male: "Can you see the man in my moon?"
Female: "All I can see is green cheese."
Male: "I'm going to eclipse in your black hole."
Sneak up to sleeping partner and scream in her ear. If she tries to stop you, be quiet for 9 minutes and repeat.
Male: "You must wake up now, my dear."
Female: "Don't disturb my dreams."
Male: (waiting 9 minutes) "You must wake up now, my dear."
Female: (unplugs contraption) "Ah, much better."