So I should rob my sweet sons of their fee?
No; let them satisfy their lust on thee!
Tamora, Queen of the Goths
This issues Classics Digest is thought to be Shakespeares first, worst, and by far most gruesome play. The inclusion of incredibly vicious and cruel characters, the excess not only of requisite Shakespearean blood, but of explicit deaths, maimings, moral bankruptcies and other charming atrocities, and the wild, manic mood swings the characters undergo have made it an unwatchable play lo these 400 years. For these reasons, it is seldom performed and discussed. The Reader may think that the Editor has delighted in the play's unsavoury aspects, and augmented their horrors. The Reader would only be half right; thrill in the gore, smut and pain, I have, but if anything, this abridgement is an understatement of the explicit grotesqueries of the original play. To be quite honest, the Friday the 13th series has nothing on Titus Andronicus. |
le Marquis Déjà Dû |
SATURNINUS | Son to the late Emperor of Rome, and afterwards declared Emperor himself. Hotheaded and clueless. |
BASSIANUS | Brother to Saturninus; in love with Lavinia. A real Chump. |
TITUS ANDRONICUS | a noble Roman, General against the Goths and prone to fits of extreme emotions. |
MARCUS ANDRONICUS | Tribune of the People; and Brother to Titus, perhaps the only level-headed player on the team. |
LUCIUS, QUINTUS, MARTIUS, MUTIUS | Sons to Titus Andronicus. |
YOUNG LUCIUS | a Boy, Son to Lucius, who spooks easily. |
PUBLIUS | Son to Marcus the Tribune, a chip off the ole block. |
ÆMILIUS | a noble Roman with very few lines. |
ALARBUS, CHIRON, DEMETRIUS | Sons to Tamora, and just as nasty. |
AARON | a black Moor, beloved by Tamora. |
TAMORA | Queen Bitch of the Goths. |
LAVINIA | Doe-Eyed Daughter to Titus Andronicus, not too bright, but a professional at suffering. |
![]() | A Captain, Tribune, Messenger, and an Annoying Clown; Romans. |
Goths andRomans and even more Goths. | |
A doomed Nurse. | |
Kinsmen of Titus, Senators, Tribunes, Officers, Groupies, Extras, Soldiers, and Attendants. |
ACT I.SCENE I. Rome. Before the Capitol. | |
The tomb of Andronici, the freshly-slain emperor of Rome, the Tribunes and Senators are assembled like Vultures over a Carcass. Saturninus and his Groupies enter one side, his brother Bassianus and his associated Groupies enter other side. | |
Saturninus: | My father the emperor is dead! Elect me! |
Bassianus: | My father the emporer is dead! Elect me! |
Enter Marcus Andronicus, younger brother to Titus Andronicus. | |
Marcus: | Here comes my big brother. Hes such a stud. Let him decide! |
Saturninus: | Great idea, Peanut! Scatter, vile groupies! |
Bassianus: | Im game, Scooter. Shoo, flock, shoo! |
SCENE II. The same. | |
Enter a Captain. | |
Captain: | Here comes da man! |
Trumpets flair, a cheer from the crowd, ticker tape goes streaming big budget stuff. Enter coffin of emperor, carried by Titus four sons, Mutius, Martius, Quintus and Lucius, followed by Titus Andronicus; then Tamora Queen of the Goths and her passel of miserable, defeated sons, Alarbus, Chiron, Demetrius, followed by Aaron the nasty Moor and some random Goths. More Extras file in and mill about aimlessly. | |
Titus: | Hoo! Whatta war, Im tellin ya! Havent seen so much blood spilt all week! Isnt Rome great? |
Lucius: | Hey dad! Lets kill another Goth! Can we? Huh? Can we? |
Titus: | All-righty-oh, son. Take Tamoras oldest. Remember how I showed you, now. |
Tamora: | Aw man, youre mean! Gimme a break! You just slaughtered my entire kingdom. |
Titus: | Thisll only take a minute. |
Tamora: | But hes my baby! |
Titus: | When in Rome, lady |
Lucius: | Lets rip his arms off! Whee! |
Titus: | (smiles lovingly, indulgently at his prodigy.) |
Exeunt 4 sons Lucius, Quintus, Martius and Mutius with Tamoras doomed son, Alarbus. | |
Chiron: | Poor brother Alarbus. |
Demetrius: | Hey man, better him than us, right? |
Enter 4 sons again, blood on their clothes. | |
Lucius: | Kay. All done. That was fun! |
Titus: | Thats mboy. (They high-five.) |
In wafts the glassy-eyed Lavinia, Titus daughter, on a cloud of lilac perfume. | |
Titus: | Hi kitten. Hows daddys little princess? |
Lavinia: | Huh? Wha? |
Reenter Marcus Andronicus, Saturninus, Bassianus and some more aimless Extras. | |
Marcus: | Hey bro. Wow, you look cool in that chain mail. |
Titus: | Thanks, Tiger. |
Marcus: | So you have to pick a new emperor. Which of his sons will it be? |
Extras in unison: | Yah! Whos gonna rule our land? Whos gonna rock our world? Sh-bop, sh-bop, sh-bop. |
Saturninus: | Titus Andronicus, I schmooze thee verily, and say many a-flattering, empty remark most heartfelt-like. |
Bassianus: | Dont listen to my smarmy brother. And hey, Id really really appreciate it if you made me emperor. Theres a fiver in it for you, if know what I mean. (winks) |
Titus: | I pick (waves finger back and forth between the two) umm uhh lets see how bout Saturninus! (Titus shrugs shoulders and grins sheepishly.) |
Plebeians cheer wildly, in their plebeian way, and throw more ticker tape and confetti and hewn limbs of Goths in jubilation. | |
Saturninus: | Thanks, Titus. |
Titus: | And as a special door prize for being emperor, you get my lovely daughter Lavinia for your wife, specially-crafted just for you! |
Saturninus: | Um. All right, I guess. Thanks a million, Titus. Youre the greatest. Ill never forget how nice youve been to me. Ever. Really. |
Titus: | But wait theres more! You also get at no extra charge, the defeated and now-sulking Tamora, Queen of the Goths as your special playtime prisoner. If she acts up, kill more of her sons. She hates that. (snickers) |
Saturninus: | (looking at Tamora starry-eyed) What a beeyootiful lady. Dont worry Tamora, your sons are safe around me. (Sat. winks) Oh Im glad youre my prisoner. Well have such fun the two of us. I know some special games we can play. This doesnt bother you, Lavinia, does it? |
Lavinia: | (busy picking lint off her gown) Huh? Wha? |
Saturninus: | Okay then! Lets get to rulin Rome! Set the spurious prisoners free. The stage is too crowded. |
Titus: | Ho-ho-ho! Just another jolly-olly-olly day in ole Rome. Ho-ho-ho! |
Laughter and merriment and special moments abound. The mood is that of a lighthearted picnic until | |
Bassianus: | (to Titus) Excuse me Mr. Andronicus sir, but I think Id kinda like Lavinia for myself. (He takes her away from his brother Saturninus who is playing footsie with Tamora.) |
Titus: | The hell you will, muthafucka. Nothing less than an emperor for my little girl! |
Martius: | Aw cmon pop. Everyone knows Bassianus and Lavinia have had a thing going on for years. Saturninus couldnt care less. Hes smitten with Tamora. Look, there he is giggling, applying her thick eyeliner onto his own face and learning how to spooky-dance. |
Titus: | (red-faced and hopping mad) I dont care! I want my daughter married to an emperor and thats that! I always get my way! So nyah! |
Exeunt Martius, Quintus and Lucius with Bassianus and Lavinia. | |
Mutius: | You guys go with Bassianus and Lavinia. Ill stay here and stop dad from acting up. |
Titus: | The hell you will, you damn pup! |
Titus runs his sword through his son Mutius. | |
Mutius: | Gack! |
Reenter Lucius. | |
Lucius: | Geez pop, chill! You just killed one of your sons. |
Titus: | Hes no son of mine, and neither are you if you dont get Lavinia into Saturninus bed pronto! |
Lucius: | But she and Bassianus are so cute together, doncha think? |
Saturninus: | Hey, look, I dont really care one way or another. Lavinia is a bit of an airhead for me. Come to think of it, your sons dont exactly gleam either. Hmm, must be bad genes. |
Titus: | Why isnt everyone being nice to me? Why has everything turned around? What cant I have my way? Im unhappy. |
Saturninus: | Tamora, Queen of the Goths has just taught me how to blow smoke rings with my clove cigarette. Im making her Queen of Rome. Whadya think of that, Tammy-baby? |
Tamora performs fellatio upon Saturninus. | |
Saturninus: | Ooo. Yah. Uhh. Wait. Not here, baby. Lets go up to my pad. Wanna show you my rock collection. |
Exeunt Tamora and Saturninus. Reenter Marcus, and 3 surviving sons. | |
Marcus: | Brother Titus, youre a spaz. |
Titus: | Theyre no sons of mine! And youre no brother of mine! And and and, yall are making me look bad in front of the Extras! Youre no friends of mine! |
Lucius: | Whatever, dad. Whelp, I guess we better bury our brother now. Nice goin. |
Titus: | Not in this tomb you dont. This is only for members of my family who are smart enough to kiss my ass! Hes no member of my family! |
Quintus: | Dad, hold up. Youre being a total prick. |
Titus: | No way is that sumbitch gettin into my tomb! |
Marcus: | Okay, boys, staring contest! |
Marcus and the 3 sons stare down Titus until he cracks. | |
Titus: | Oh all right then. Im so disappointed in you people. |
Marcus: | Can we change the subject please? So wattup with this Tamora-being-Queen thing? Thats kinda weird. |
Titus: | Oh, I dont know, Marcus. Ive got a headache. |
Reenter the post-coital couple Saturninus and Tamora with sheepish grins, her two surviving sons Chiron and Demetrius, that damned ubiquitous Moor, Aaron, and the lovey-dovey couple Bassianus and Lavinia. | |
Saturninus: | So, my dear brother Bassianus you like Lavinia, huh? |
Bassianus: | Shes delicious, thanks for asking. |
Saturninus: | You damn dirty flesh-thief. |
Bassianus: | Huh!? Whatd I do? You didnt really want her, did you? It was Titus who was making the big fuss about it all. |
Titus: | Youre no friend of mine! Saturninus is the only one on stage whom I can even tolerateat the moment. Why I oughta |
Tamora: | Damn, Titus, you need some special alone-time in the Harmony Hut. Would you just get over it all? Youre upset about stuff that happened much earlier in the scene. |
Titus: | Youre no prisoner-suddenly-made-empress of mine! |
Tamora: | Shhh. Calm down. I know youre a good guy under all that sputtering, boorish anger. Keep a cool head. (aside to SaturninusJ Watch yourself, honey-bunny. Youve only been emperor for about 2 minutes. If you cause too much of a stink, the plebes will ask Titus to find a replacement for you. I fucking hate Titus so much I would wear pink if I thought it would wound him. He slaughtered my entire kingdom. Be cool about things and well bring him to his knees. (to everyoneJ Okay, everybody, place nice-nice. Titus, forgive your sons and Bassianus. You boys, tell your father you love him. |
Lucius: | But he totally wigged out and killed my brother! |
Saturninus: | (bored) You are all tiring me so very much. |
Tamora: | Now, now Saturninus. You need to grant a blanket-pardon to everyone whos been cranky for the last few pages or so. Cmon everyone. Tell your emperor youre sorry. |
Titus, Bassianus, Lucius, Quintus, Martius, Marcus: | Were sorrrreeeeeee |
Lavinia: | Huh? Wha? |
ACT II.SCENE I. Rome. Before the Palace. | |
Enter Aaron, the erstwhile conspicuously silent black Moor, now conniving and cracking his knuckles evilly. | |
Aaron: | Tamora has played everyone. Shes so clever. I do love her so. Specially in bed |
Enter Tamora's sons, Chiron and Demetrius. | |
Demetrius: | Sigh. I love that Lavinia with a reverence and respect that positively astounds me. |
Chiron: | Yah. Sigh. So do I. |
Demetrius: | Oh please. Gimme a break. Youre too young to even get an erection, much less feel something so profound as true love. |
Chiron: | Am not! |
Demetrius: | Are so! |
Chiron: | Am not! And besides, I love her! |
Demetrius: | Over your dead body! (they draw swords) |
Aaron: | Christ! Stop! What a stupid battle youre fighting. If you want Lavinia, Im afraid youre going to have to take a number and queue up with everyone else in this damn silly play. |
Chiron: | Never! I am ablaze with all the fire of a pubescent horn-dog! My libido prohibits waiting a moment longer for release! |
Demetrius: | I, too, covet the creamy thighs of Lavinia with a passion that makes me think of large purchases beyond my means. |
Aaron: | Wow, okay. Ill tell you what then. Tomorrow, Lavinia will stroll through a secluded glade. Ill arrange the details so you can leap out and gang-bang her. I highly recommend this approach since trying to woo her away from Bassianus is just not going to work out. |
Chiron and Demetrius: | Right on! Love rules! |
Exeunt. |
SCENE II. A forest near Rome. A Lodge seen at a distance. | |
Horns n hounds. Enter Titus Andronicus, with Hunters, Martius, Lucius, Quintus, and Marcus. | |
Titus: | What a lovely day for a hunt. Lets go wake up the emperor with our loud dogs. |
More horns n hounds. Enter Saturninus, Tamora, Bassianus, Lavinia, Chiron, Demetrius, and random, underpaid Extras. | |
Saturninus: | Its awful early for those damn dogs, dont you think? You uh woke up our womenfolk. |
Bassianus: | Lavinia, sweetie, did the dogs and that damn horn wake you up, honey? |
Lavinia: | (staring at the sky) Huh? Wha? |
Saturninus: | Right then! Lets hunt since were up, I guess. |
Martius: | Ive got the dogs! |
Titus: | Ive got the horses! |
Demetrius: | (aside to Chiron) And Ive got a hot pistol ready to fire into that saucy vessel Lavinia. (they giggle) |
SCENE III. A Tryst in the Woods. | |
Enter Aaron with a bag o gold. | |
Aaron: | Some people would call me crazy for burying a bag o gold in the woods. |
Enter Tamora. | |
Tamora: | Aaron, what a lovely day. What a lovely glade. What a lovely leaf, snake, butterfly and bird. Lets boink and then have a nap, huh? |
Aaron: | Love to, but theres no time. Im going to kill Bassianus today. And youre going to help. When Bassianus shows up, make him mad. Ill go tell your kids to play along with whatever you say. |
Exeunt Aaron. | |
Enter Bassianus and Lavinia. | |
Bassianus: | Gooood morning, Tamora. Dont you look lovely today in this remote, deserted forest glade. |
Tamora: | (barking) What the hell is that supposed to mean!? If youre insinuating that Im having an affair with Aaron-the-black-Moor, well youre a youre a oh youve found us out you bastards! I hate you both! |
Lavinia: | Huh? Wha? |
Bassianus: | Really? Youre having an affair with Aaron? I had no idea. You big ole tart, you. Dont you think Tamora is a big ole Tart, Lavinia? |
Lavinia: | Huh? Wha? |
Tamora: | Christ I need a snakebite and a clove cigarette. |
Enter Chiron and Demetrius. | |
Demetrius: | Hey Bass. Hey mom. Whats up? You look green. |
Tamora: | Oh thank god, my boy! Youre just in time. These two pre-verts dragged me to this horrible pit. Look at this rotting leaf, that slimy snake, that ugly caterpillar, that filthy pigeon. Look at this stinking glade! They dragged me here to insult me saying that I was sleeping around on the emperor! If you two love your momma, youd slice them up! |
Demetrius: | I love my momma!(Stabs Bassianus right through) |
Chiron: | Aaaaahhh! (Stabs Bassianus also in a youthful display of overkill) |
Tamora: | Whew! Thanks boys. You can go screw your little lady friend now if you like. |
Chiron and Demetrius smirk and touch themselves while making lascivious faces at Lavinia. | |
Tamora: | Better maim her when youre through, of course. Dont want her blabbin boutcha. |
Lavinia: | Huh? Wha? |
Tamora: | (placing hand on Lavinias shoulder and speaking as if to an invalid child) Youre going to get raped and maimed now, honey. Can you understand this? |
Lavinia: | No please. (Tamora spits on her.) God, youre such a bitch, lady! (Chiron slaps her.) Owww! (Demetrius pulls and releases her bra-strap with a loud snap) Heyyy! (She begins to cry.) |
Tamora: | Throw Bassianus body into that convenient ditch over there, then get going you two! Have a ball. Ha ha, I made a funny. Anyway, Ive gotta plan the demise of all the aristocracy of Rome. Busy day, busy day. But first, I have to hunt down Aaron for a quick victory-fuck and do a line. |
Exeunt. |
SCENE IV. The same. | |
Enter Aaron, with Quintus and Martius, stumbling through the woods. | |
Aaron: | Its somewhere around here. I swear I saw a panther sleeping. Cmon, guys. |
Quintus: | This is a very gloomy glade. I cant see a thing. |
Martius: | I know. Me too. (he falls into the pit) Oof! |
Quintus: | Oh my god, are you okay? |
Martius: | (from within the pit) This sucks. |
Aaron: | (mumbling to himself) Ill go get Saturninus and hell think these two killed Bassianus. (He leaves.) |
Martius: | Um, I found Bassianus body down here. You gonna help me out? Its pretty stinky. |
Quintus: | I cant reach you. |
Martius: | Shit. Its scary down here. |
Quintus: | Wait, let me keep you company. (he jumps in the pit too) |
Martius: | Well that was bright. |
Quintus: | Oh. Yah. Duh. |
Enter Saturninus and Aaron. | |
Saturninus: | Whos down there in that stinky pit! |
Martius: | I am. And Quintus. Oh, and your brother too, whos pretty dead. |
Saturninus: | Yah right. Whatever. Hes over at the lodge with Lavinia you foolers. |
Martius: | No, actually hes not. |
Enter Tamora, Titus Andronicus and Lucius. | |
Saturninus: | Tamora, honey! My brothers been killed. |
Tamora: | Oh Im sorry dear. I was just hurrying here to give you this letter. |
Saturninus: | (reading:) Dear Hitmen: If you kill Bassianus, you can have the gold buried by the pit in the gloomy glade. |
Aaron: | Lookee here! A bag o gold! Whaddya know! That pretty much cinches it. |
Saturninus: | Titus, your kids are ingrates! Guards, throw them in prison for a while. I have to think of something sufficiently horrible to do to them. |
Tamora: | Oh, theyre in the pit? Well what a coincidence. (winks at Aaron) |
Titus: | Oh no please, dont hurt my boys! |
Saturninus: | Well its obvious theyre guilty. (Titus weeps copiously.) |
Tamora: | There there, Titus. Dont worry. Theyll get a fair trial. (Aaron stifles a giggle.) |
SCENE IV. The same. | |
Enter Demetrius and Chiron, with Lavinia, ravished; her hands cut off, and tongue cut out. | |
Demetrius: | Go ahead, try and tell someone who raped you. Oh, you dont have a tongue! (laughs hysterically) |
Chiron: | or write the names of your violators. Oh! You dont have any hands! (They roll on the ground in paroxysms of hysterics) |
Demetrius: | Youre a mess, Lavinia. Go home and ask for some water to wash your hands. |
Chiron: | She cant talk to ask and she doesnt have any hands to wash! Bwhahaha!(they howl with laughter) |
Exeunt Demetrius and Chiron. | |
Enter Marcus. | |
Marcus: | Lavinia! Oh my god, who cut off your hands? |
Lavinia: | Arruuuunnngghh. |
Marcus: | What? I cant understand a word youre saying. Oh my god your tongues gone! Cmon, your dads gonna pissed! |
Exeunt |