HorrorScopes T.V. SCOPES for August, September, October 1999

All right. We had that astrologically somber eclipse/grand square/cross thing on August 11, 1999 which seemed to careen everyone into pensive and altogether annoyingly fatalistic states of mind. Personally, I felt as though I was finally able to fly and Ive been soaring ever since. But I wont burden you all with MY joy. Instead, here are your Zodiacal projections for the next few months, beginning with October. This time, Im wrapping my forecasting within the absurd glamours of television programming. And I dont care a whit if you dont watch television, if you dont know anything about the show that I divined for your particular sign or if you are like TOTALLY miffed that I have presumed youd ever even SEEN Moesha. Get over yourselves, already. Soooo, without further ado here are the Suffering is Hip T.V. Scopes.

Melusine de Nuit

bullet ARIES bullet LIBRA
bullet TAVRVS bullet SCORPIO
bullet CANCER bullet CAPRICORN
bullet LEO bullet AQVARIVS
bullet VIRGO bullet PISCES

MARCH 21 thru APRIL 20
Aries THAT 70'S SHOW. Its all about the past, baby. But its all about the past as seen through the lens of the present. Sure its all a little too clean, a little too bright and a little too cut and dry. But it also can be highly amusing. Especially since in this show we are laughing at the very things we once either took seriously or were dedicated to because of influences around us. Now ask yourself, with Pluto dancing direct do you REALLY want to be depressed about your old failed relationships, your horrific or dreary childhood, your unrealized or ambitions or the fact that you are temporarily in a nebulous displaced limbo while some deep personal transitions are completed? Wouldnt you rather feel free to laugh at your own expense and also at the expense of others who try and drag you into their tidepools of melodrama, tension and old patterning? Theres an occult concept that says to name a thing gives you power over it. For you it should read To laugh at a thing gives you victory over it. This is especially important in relation to that which you find not at all funny.
APRIL 21 thru MAY 21
taurus JUST SHOOT ME. Maya Maya Maya. Shes such an annoying character so earnestly creative, well-intentioned and sincere but misunderstood, mocked and taunted because of it. The brilliant female mind trying to inject something worthwhile into a tawdry fashion magazine. Just shoot her, is what I say. Its so obvious that even the character is playing a role. Interesting however that the characters name is Maya. Everyone knows Maya also means illusion. What illusions do you wrap yourself in these days, Taurus? Its fine to pretend, to put on the Emperors new clothes and dance around like you are the king of the hill or the belle of the ball, but everyone can see the real you and they would appreciate it if you would see the real you too. Not all your illusions are inappropriate, however. There are those illusions you need to wrap yourself in that will make you into exactly what you want to be and bring into your life exactly what you want. They could be the same ones that everyone is seeing through. So theres a paradox. Something must be missing in the mix. Probably something to do with the will. But thats your dance with Pluto. One clue though Avoid displaying such a flair for the obvious.
MAY 22 thru JVNE 21
gemini THE MANY (SECRET) LIVES OF TRUDY CHASE. This is an awful made-for-t.v. movie about a woman with something near 94 different personalities inside her that was on the Lifetime for Women Network. It starred the alarming Shelley Long. I sense that you must be feeling alarmed yourself that Im wrapping your forecast in this. All your own little voices must be clamoring inside you. There may be one or two that actually ADORE Shelley Long but you are most certainly repressing those. Hasnt your life resembled a made-for-t.v. movie at times? Dont you have a lot of different personalities inside you clamoring for attention and recognition? I hope youve discarded the ineffectual personalities, the weak-willed insecure personalities, the self-pity personalities, the procrastinating, lazy personalities -- all spawned because of icky past experiences. Let go of the past and you finally lay to rest whats dead in you. This makes room for all those bright and shiny things you dont even know you posses yet. However, you can and should keep around a few of the cynical, morbid, frivolous, demanding, and even cruel personalities you need them to continue weeding out your various environments, especially in the social and professional arenas. Pluto is bringing you into a natural polarity with yourself which is manifesting as creative success -- creative success in whatever area is dearest to your heart. Follow yourself and you follow your heart which instead of making you self-absorbed makes you self-illuminated.
JVNE 22 thru JVLY 23
cancer THE BRADY BUNCH. A specific episode that I once used as a silly divinator I find now applies to Cancers everywhere, but not in the same way. The episode is where the Bradys humdrum lives are going to be changing soon. This is because the Brady Kids are going to be singing on a t.v. show. Because they have that special something only t.v. kids can have, they are a sure bet to win and become rich, famous and loved by all. Well wouldnt you know it? Peters voice starts to change and everyone thinks this change is going to RUIN everything. Then they change the song they sing and do a song called When its time to change because, well, Peters voice is changing and the song is talking about change and its as if suddenly everything falls into place. I dont know how much more I can use the word change in this scope before you suspect theres a method to my madness. There are things going on in your life that you didnt plan on, and quite possibly didnt want to happen. There are some tough decisions to be made, new places to go, people to choose between. All of you want some big sign from Fate as to what your choices should be. There will be no sign. Your life is going to alter completely in many areas with or without you singing the song so you might as well try and adapt your song to fit your life. Or else accept what you cannot influence and move on to something, someone, or somewhere else. Fates wheel will eventually spin back round and return the reins to you.
JVLY 24 thru AVGVST 23
leo MOESHA (Just kidding! Leos are the only sign I know capable of personifying the word miffed and I just had to tug your tails.) Your show is actually COLUMBO. In Columbo, the audience gets to see who the culprit is right away and the fun is watching Columbo strategically bumble his way to discovering same. Random people will appear in your life from past or present to influence or affect you. Strange happenings will occur. Disconcerting experiences will cause you to spend a lot of time trying with dignity to fit everything into a whole picture that makes sense. All Leos need to use their bumbling as a strategy to figure things out as well as to ultimately get what they want out of life. You need to do this in spite of all the people watching you stumble and flounder. Is Pluto deliberately trying to embarrass us, you will haughtily ask of one another. Pluto is probably nudging you roughly toward experimenting with the magic of inversion. Inversion is whenever a situation naturally reaches or is pushed to its apex, it inverts to its opposite. See what kind of changes in yourself and your environment you can accomplish by playing with opposites instead of always just playing with fire.
virgo LA FEMME NIKITA.. Strong-willed, stalwart rebellion is fine, youve mastered that one. Intellectual acumen and a meticulous perspective have been convenient tools for you as you live your life. Plutos influence, however, is telling you that your emotions will now be manipulated by people and happenings around you. Whether others are consciously manipulating you or instinctively doing so is not the point -- you are being prodded, pulled, maneuvered and puppeted through a variety of environments so that you finally accept that your senses need more of a recklessness exploration instead of a rational one. And the only way you will truly enjoy your play in the sensual world (all senses, not just the sexual ones) is through the realization that you cannot really LIVE using sense and sensibility alone. Any elements of surprise, shock or amazement that infuse your path will titillate you as well as alarm you. So, as with Cancer, you are not holding the reins for while. In addition, you will feel uncannily drawn to situations and people your instinct tells you are chancy -- situations you usually wouldnt involve yourself in because they are beyond your influence or control. Go there anyway. Its time to leave your cozy, predictable world for another that seems mysterious, somewhat ominous and definitely fickle.
libra FOREVER KNIGHT. Could they possibly have found more annoying and unappealing people to play the vampire roles (actually, ALL the roles) in this t.v. show? The story lines are interesting, the plot ideas kind of inspiring but the actors who play the characters really work my nerves. Its all wrong -- the glamour is tacky and misapplied, the acting is stilted or melodramatic, this whole show is just so OFF because of the people in it. Except for one -- the vampire La Croix. The actor playing this role is appealing and well-suited to the character. He can actually act without seeming melodramatic and unattractively, well, unattractive. For you Libra, like this show, everything is going to feel disagreeably off-balance for a while. I know the term off-balance frightens you, but to get through this phase you need to align your role with the LaCroix example. You must, with grace, poise and wit, balance all the shows youre participating in. Make the most of your charm, your attractiveness, your talents and flaunt them shamelessly, especially in environments where everyone else seems underdressed, unappealing, snobby, socially inept or just plain cranky. You are your own shining star and remember, glamour is never a waste of effort. The only thing you have to fear as that you might actually enjoy doing it.
scorpio FRIENDS. In spite of my resistance for years and the protests of a dear Leo comrade who brutally chastised me by intoning Friends dont let friends watch Friends, I did start watching this show in reruns. I found some of the episodes to be unbelievably hilarious and others merely bland or mildly irritating. That is neither here nor there in relation to Scorpios Scope except that it has to do with pleasant surprises. To extract a more specific example Chandler and Monica. Steady friends for years who after years of abortive, silly, self-indulgent relationships suddenly find something winning in each other. Then they get all secretive and want to hide their romantic involvement from the rest of the group. But everyone eventually figures it all out and the joke is on Chandler and Monica but everyone is having fun anyway at each others expense and so on. Now its not about old relationships becoming new or pulling the wool over anyones eyes. Its about Pluto moving direct and bluntly telling you its all about having fun, being fun and promoting fun. Secrets, intrigue, manipulative gambits they just wont cut it anymore and everyone already KNOWS what you would try to disguise anyway. I could use a tired image like the Phoenix arising anew from the ashes but thats a bit trite and trite is definitely OUT now for Scorpios. Pleasant surprise is in, but its YOU who need to be the pleasant surprise.
sagittarius ACUPULCO H.E.A.T/BAYWATCH. These are two of the most unintentionally enjoyable shows on television. So utterly terrible, so absolutely surreal, so incredibly hilarious. I watch mesmerized. I shake with disbelieving laughter. I call up twisted pals who are in the know enough to have cable and we watch together over the phone with the same joyful, delicious and disbelieving fascination.

If all you other Sagittarians dont currently have the perspective on life that resembles the above, now is the time to: 1) start watching these shows and superimpose them into your own life until you do; 2) start viewing your life as a tawdry, unintentionally funny script being acted out with and around you, or 3) just get with it. Pluto, that dark planet of oblique subconscious nudges who challenges and pushes us through oft-painful transformations can also push to transform us with glee. So comrade archers, the next few months are ours to laugh sarcastically, to see the twisted black humor in the most annoying or heinous situations, to secretly delight in people who have such a flair for the obvious that they can only be taken seriously if they are taken humorously. Now is our time to enjoy our recess from pensive contemplative activities and inner struggle -- and not only laugh at the absurdities of life, but to sardonically take part in them as well.

capricorn FRASIER. Frasier has a lover. Daphne has a lover. Roz has a lover. Even the Dad has a lover. Everyone has a lover except Niles so he goes over the deep end over a girl who works at his local cafe -- starts dressing alternatively (so to speak), gets all wild and crazy and so very unintellectual about it all. All the rest are concerned. I had to leave my apartment before the end of this episode so I don't know whether logic and good sense ultimately prevailed or whether Niles has become "rough and ready" for good. Does any of the above seem familiar, Capricorns? Metaphorically or literally? Well if it doesn't already it will, metaphorically and probably a bit literally as well. Time to walk on the wild side and not the wild side that is still on familiar territory. Instinct should govern intellect. If you can't or are unwilling to follow your heart, than at least follow your loins. Anything so long as you don't allow your intellect to call all the shots. Bluff if you have to and change your game in life from chess to strip poker. It'll only be for a few months that you'll alarm friends and confuse your logic and it probably won't even hurt at all.
aquarius BEVERLY HILLS 90210. This show is on practically 250 times a day on and showcases a variety of the series seasons. This means you can see the very early seasons where they all look so awkward (and, consequently, so do their hairstyles) as they deal with their various adolescent torments. And at other times you can see the later seasons when theyve all moved on to college and have bigger and brighter torments afflicting them (and, consequently, their hairstyles). Hell, at any time of day or night you could watch and see all the regulars and transition regulars in various states of virginity, drug/alcohol/sex addiction, cosmetic and surgical enhancement, and pregnancy. Its kind of mind-boggling. Its kind of scary. Its always quite funny. So, as with Sagittarius all Aquarians will find a sinister enjoyment in playing along with their lifes own personal 90210 melodramas and scenarios. At any moment, day or night, weekday or weekend, your life could suddenly shift and events, people and situations can appear and disappear as if by sleight of hand. So go along with the script good-humoredly. Create a new facade and become a different transient regular for each new or altered situation that greets or confronts you. Itll boggle the mind of people around you. Itll scare some others and, by damn, they should be scared. But most of all, itll be fun for you, and you love having fun. Most importantly, this will prepare you for when you can no longer play along with the flow, but have to start creating your own spin-off.
pisces SLIDERS. So many worlds parallel and alternate. So many overlapping scenarios. Right now Pisceans are jugglers and magicians and time-travelers. If you follow your nostalgia you'll unearth treasures about yourself you'd thought lost forever. If you leap into the unknown, you experience exhilarating changes that will also unearth treasures about yourself as well as your life. The key here is not missing or ignoring the windows of opportunity because many opportunities will blossom before you unexpectedly and remain volatile for mere moments to a few days. Of course not every opportunity or experience needs to be explored but your decision-making will have to be as fast-paced. The other key here is not being afraid of getting lost or losing anything. There is no losing. This is a time for turning fears into vehicles of anticipatory excitement. Change your image then change it back again. Change your path and then circle back to it, you will still have evolved along the way. Evolving -- accelerated leaps forward in your life is the primary focus for you. For awhile, you are going to have to be a servant to Fate, and you are expected to do the windows.