"As weird as it sounds, I enjoy a nice sweaty
time grappling with my pals and palettes."
-- Garry Rhoden

Necro-Nerd Awards



Fusty Luggs Award Gothic Crackwhore of the Week
Bestowed by the Ugli Duchesse bar

Fusty Luggs: An Eighteenth Century slang term meaning "a beastly, sluttish woman".

A priceless parody of the numerous "Goth Babe, Boi, Tart etc" sites, Gothic Crackwhore is a breath of studabaker exhaust on a Louisiana August day. Although in its infancy, this site promises MANY DARK THINGS, and has shown its marketing savvy by appropriately fitting out the site with such requisite details as spinning skulls, chicks, and the ever elusive opportunity for fame.

GCWotW is run by some guy named Mage, and currently boasts two celebrities that have graced its tiny collection, namely Hello Kitty and October's Crackwhore Poppy Z Brite.

There are currently two fun filled activities for the casual browser:
  • Viewing the current or past Crackwhores (my fave!)
  • Stepping up to the podium and admitting you're a Gothic Crackwhore by emailing all your stats & addictions.
Go get your own Crackwhore.
Read It And Weep Award Felicity Press Unusual Publications
Bestowed by thee Phunkee Phresh Prince of Darkness bar

Felicity Press, the anarchistic, athiestic, polysexual, ethics-bending publishing house is both an online 'newspaper' spouting its various libertine beliefs with refreshing coherency and a proper publishing house of both the CD-ROM and pulpy-book type. (When like meets like, one must promote the other. Hi guys! Kiss the Goat!)

Written, compiled and published by Mark Owen in Newcastle, Australia, Felicity Press stores in its arsenal of free online literature such l'il gems as:
  • THE NAKED HERETIC COMMENTARIES: "An athiest commentary on current issues involving religion, human sexuality and morality"
  • MUTTERINGS OF AN INSANE BOOKSELLER: which timidly touts itself as 'humourous', yet leaves the ultimate verdict to the reader
  • THE EUTHANASIA DEBATE IN AUSTRALIA: "Letters from Mark Owen to Politicians and Others"
  • FELICITY TIMES: "News and comment on crime, religion, sexuality and moral issues"
  • CRUEL WORLD NEWS ITEMS: "uncensored true stories from this mad world" (highly recommended)
Once hooked (and it's very likely you will be) you may actually choose to buy something! (The thought!) Ah, but Monsieur Owen's publications are superb. He has reprinted some lost gems of the past for modern readers' pleasures. "History of Corporal Punishment", "Broken Covenent" (naughty monks -- and who can say no to a monk?), "Handbook of the Black Arts" reprinted from the original from 1925 -- among a slew of others.

Most recommended of course is their specialité de la maison, a CD-ROM entitled "The Encyclopedia of Human Cruelty". The book boasts over a million words and over 400 illustrations in PDF format. I bought this item a couple of years back and rarely a week goes by that I'm not looking something up, either to answer a burning question or for idle and perverse pleasure. For this reason more than any other, "Suffering is Hip" bestows the coveted "Read It & Weep" award to Felicity Press.
Skulk-O-Rama Cruel Site Of The Day
Bestowed by the Ugli Duchesse bar

I am sure there is an unwritten rule out there that excludes bestowing an award upon an "award" site ... well, "Balls!", I say. Unwritten rules are meant to be rewritten, especially when a site plucks my harp like this one does.

Cruel Site Of The Day, maintained by Dan Porridge, is just what the name implies: it "provides a daily link to the world of the perturbed, peeved, pensive & postal". The sites thusly showcased are either cruel & unusual by happenstance or by design.

Upon arrival at CSotD you are offered four tantalizing options:
  • The "Cruel du Jour", will automatically whisk you to that day's selection.
  • You can play "Cruelette", which will randomly send you to any one of the past showcased cruel sites.
  • "Our Cruel Heritage" parades before you a veritable cavalcade of past recipients, all laid out neatly in calender form for your delectation.
  • And of course, the requisite "Submit Cruelty", just in case you've found cruelty on your own.
I must qualify here that one of my favorite occupations at this site is to read the brief "descriptions" for each selection on the "Our Cruel Heritage" page. I will share with you now some of my recent favorites: "Jamming A Pair Of Scissors Repeatedly Into Your Crotch", "Lizzie Borden: Don't Ax, Don't Tell", "Men Who Like To Keep Women Trapped In A Pit", "Edgar, Don't You Lose My Number", "Horton Hires A Whore", and "Invisible People Kicked My Ass".
Mobled Quean Award Aircrash Monthly
Bestowed by thee Phunkee Phresh Prince of Darkness bar

Sexbat World Enterprises has this charming little rag out there called "Aircrash Monthly," full of sardonic jabs and askance views of the very culture from which it arises. Thinking of becoming a punk-goth? This page will tell you how -- and how not to -- and why you're a loser for even trying when there's others who have done it better.

Featuring a fashion segment demonstrating the history of fruity-coloured weaves on gothgrrls' heads (dubbed therein, the "My Pretty Pony" coiff), a dubious European travelogue called the Kitbag Capers and many other precious (and completely uncalled for) gems.

The coup of the site, however, is the superbly-scribed and well-wicked tongue-in-chic manifesto, "The Tao of Goth" which more succinctly than anything erstwhile written sums up the Code and Creed of the Living Dead. It is not my intention to divulge the secrets in this great document, but I must indulge and list the chapter titles at least: >cackle, cackle<
  • BOOK I: CRIMPING FROM CHAOS
  • BOOK II: COMBING BACK THE VOID
  • BOOK III: THE SECRET WISDOM OF AQUANET
  • BOOK IV: THE NAMES OF PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN THE CITY (aka. The Phone Book)
  • BOOK V: CLEANING THE DARK MIRROR
  • BOOK VI: KICKING OUT TIME
For such an epic and pivotal work, the revered "Mobled Quean" award is thus bestowed upon Monsieur Sexbat and his subjects.
What Did We Learn Today Bunny Survival Tests
Bestowed by the Ugli Duchesse bar

"To Determine specific weaknesses and/or strengths possessed by 'Marshmallow Bunnies'". WELL. Let me tell you! This is a site that I am sure has gotten oodles of press already, but I care not. It tickles me, er, pink, one would have to say.

BST is just what the name purports; a series of experiments conducted on our fave easter basket treat, Marshmallow Bunnies (actually, my favorites are the "Peeps", especially purple "Peeps", but BST qualifies in their FAQ that "Peeps are vile little creatures and cannot be trusted to accurately report sensations of pain/suffering during testing ...").

The site is maintained by irving@gulf.net, whom one would suppose is named Irving, who has gone to great lengths to accurately document his experiments. Which include, but are not limited to:
  • "Slow Appliance of Heat Test", in which bunnies are "set upon an extremely hot surface".
  • "Laser Exposure Endurance", in which bunnies are "set 6 in. from a 3 milliwatt Helium- Neon Laser".
  • "The Coyote Test" (of the "Wile E." variety), in which a bunny is strapped to a brick and dropped (bunny side down) from a considerable height.
  • "Radiation Tolerance Test", in which bunnies are subjected to extreme radiation, causing them to "grow up to 3-4 times original size".
Marshmallow Bunnies are not the fragile creatures one would suppose, and though vulnerable, they continue to rally to this challenge in the name of science and the higher learning.
Count Scrofula Award
Kallisti & Marquis
Mike Anderson's Cam on Bourbon
Bestowed by thee Phunkee Phresh Prince of Darkness bar

The award, "For the Voyeur Perpetue" goes to Mike Anderson's Seafood Restaurant on Bourbon Street. This website offers the best (and only?) 24 hour eye-on-Bourbon-Street-cam, wherein you, the at-home viewer, have a good sporting chance of glimpsing Us, the Editorial 'We', as we drunkenly stumble down Rue Bourbon on our way to Krystal Burgers from one of our local haunts up the road.

For those who have never been to New Orleans and have been thinking about a pilgrimage, don't let the horrors shown via Mike Anderson's big eye deter you. It's not all frat boys and mimes! Promise! Bourbon St. specifically is not a very spoookeee place, per se, but if you look reeeeally closely, you can find little mini-vampires and goth-sluts (they're all strippers, oddly) flitting about behind the tourists, trees, balconies, plastic cups and vomit stains.

The camera takes a shot and immediately updates its site every 3 minutes. An historical "last 45 minutes" page shows what's been going on recently. If you want to catch yourself on Mike Anderson's spy-cam, RUSH home, because you've only got that much time to see yourself until your are irretrievably ousted into the Void. (Ouch. The Void. The Pain.) The Marquis & Kallistí made it in time, however. Had to catch a cab, too. We'll call it a write-off.

The Stalkade Award Grooooovy Garry
Bestowed by the Ugli Duchesse and thee Phunkee Phresh Prince of Darkness bar

The Suffering is Hip "Stalkade Award" is designed for those people and their bad web sites who try to begin an insipid email correspondence -- and fail at even that paltry task. Occasionally, one 'sparkling gem' will write in who is so very 'sparkling' that the messages are batted about the globe in heated, annoyed, yet always amused discussion. This issue's award goes to Garry Rhoden, who wrote to Kallistí after an apperant perusal of her home site. Below is the pertinent correspondence regarding the Monsieur Rhoden:


(Kallistí began with a forward to the Marquis Déjà Dû)

Gack! How'd this guy get my email ... he couldn't have *liked* my site, by any stretch of the imagination!

You'll know what I mean if you look at his www page.

Help me respond ... I want to taunt him, but not cruelly ... possible?

k

*** Forwarded missive, originally scribed by the whore Garry Rhoden, the rat bastard!!! ***

>Hey there. I don't know latin. Interpret please. :)
>
>I want to take it some day.
>
>I'm 26. I go to law school in FL. I know a few latin phrases (resipsa
>loquitur; stare decisis; ipso facto) but not that many. :
>
>I have a homepage:
>http://grove.ufl.edu/~agape1
>
>Write me back ok?
>
>God bless.


(response by the Marquis Déjà Dû)

Kallistí:

Well, let's look at this step by step, shall we?

First ("and most importantly," to quote Garrrry), we have a reference to "good music": Christian Contemporary, Classical, Country Music (as opposed to country cowpies? Thanks for the elucidation) and of course Polka. Hmm. I slam him on all these counts. Yes, even classical, for doubtless he fawns over those insipid Mozart concertos of C maj. scales and arpeggios and little else. And on polka as well, for one should not listen to polka without a sense of cynical humour, of which he is doubtlessly bereft. On we move.

I think it's surely a sign of a rabid and full-throttled inferiority complex to speak of yourself as "The person under the 'of'" in the class picnic photo. You might want to work him on the angle of feeble self-image.

In his autophoto on the rocks, we cannot help but note that he has stuffed his pants. However, the poor sod has put the sock or Kleenex or whatevethehell on the WRONG SIDE OF HIS LEG! -- that is, the outside, so what should be a sign of winsome virility ends up looking more like a thigh tumor or runaway pustule or something. I suggest you mention this to him, but, to soften the blow, tell him you still think him 'cute' and you'd like to see a picture of him without any clothes on. (In AOL parlance, the exchange of nude photos is instigated by asking your object of desire, "Wanna cyber?" He might get it. Worth a try. Worst that happens, it goes over his head. He'll probably think it's Latin.)

Also, don't forget to extend your love and reverence to the 'rents, as he admits never having loosened his undeniably white-knuckled grip from maman's skirts.

If all this is too harsh or risqué to consider in your reply, at LEAST greet him as "Garry Gator." He'll like that!

I'm cc'ing this correspondence to the Quean of the Fucking Universe. Queany? Anything to add? (She is the originator of the game Whom Shall We Diss, and I feel her input may be invaluable. If you can, hold off until we get a reply from her.)

Rock n' (holy)roll!

marquis déjà dû


(further commentary by the Quean of the Fucking Universe)

OK--FIRST of all, anybody who adds gratuitous consonants to the spelling of his/her name has a major identity problem, and is searching for the easiest possible way to seem interesting. ( I should know, I bin there, but it was in 3d grade). GARRY indeed. Fucking pathos.

Then, in a more objective, if not clinical vein, I would like to draw your attention to this line:

<<. Also, the Christian Classics Ethereal Library at Wheaton is a great place for those who love of knowledge. >>

Unfortunately, the Christian Classics Ethereal Library at Wheaton's definition of "knowledge" seems not to fully incorporate English Grammar. Much. Alot.

Feh.

Moving right along, we come to this little gem:

<<In tune with my legal education and profession, here is a link for those who want to hear ACTUALİoral arguements at the Supreme Court of the United States.>>

Where do I beginnnn... to tell the story of how muchofafuckingilliterateloser he issssss.... Perhaps with the spelling problems? Or "at" the Supreme Court? Maybe? Or my personal favorite, ACTUAL oral arguements. As opposed, one can only suppose to ACTUAL anal argements [sic].

<< as weird as it sounds, I enjoy a nice sweaty time grappling with my pals and palettes>>

How symptomatic that he considers THIS to be the "weird" part! Another indication of how a good Christian Upbringing can stunt your growth even as it filters the scum outta the gene pool.

<< college and universitie>>

Do youse guys think he's REALLY in school?

<<This is a picture of some people on my law journal We had this picture taken after an alumi get together we had last semester before we crushed LSU>>

I don't think we have to worry about finding Garry representing us when we come up against OJ, folks. Of course, we've all been hearing a great deal of scarey stuff about the Florida Public Education system recently, and perhaps our buddy here is a fine illustration of how that particular house 'o cards is collapsing. Maybe, and here's something to give you night sweats, he's actually considered BRIGHT where he comes from! Yikes magikes! With all that sweaty grappling and stuff, why, I might come across him wandering the Castro in a studded leather wrestling uniform! Not that I'd recognize him from those ridiculously blurry photos, but HEY! Anybody who incorporates the word AGAPE into his web page is WORTH ALOT OF EFFORT TO GET TO KNOW. At.


(Kallistí baited the subject with this laconic lob, knowing there is no Latin on her pages)

>> Hey there. I don't know latin. Interpret please. :)

Please let me know what you needed translated ...

Thanks,

Kallistí


(to which the Subject responded)

Hehe. Im such a dork. I don't rmemeber. :)

So what do you?

I'm in law school in FL. http://grove.ufl.edu/~agape1

That is my hjomepage. It has some info. about me on there.

G


(after which, Kallistí threw in the towel)

Good GAWD! I wash my hands of the man ... I AM DONE. I made my little effort, and see what it got?!? Bah!

You realize that there IS NO LATIN on my site at all? Some French maybe, but ... SHEESH!


Did anyone expect anything but an anticlimax? Real life is not a novel. It's much more linear.


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Note: The term "Necro-Nerd" is lovingly lifted from the animated series "The Maxx", which originally aired on MTV or something ...

Note II: All persons related to, or remotely associated with Sepulchritude, the Suffering is Hip staff or their 9 respective felines are eligible for this award and in fact should expect one any day now. If one is not forthcoming, those persons of above mentioned consanguinal associations should take the oversight personally and consider crossing the aforementioned off their xmas card lists. Or at least ruminate mournfully upon the injustice of this cruel, cold world while listening to Joy Division.



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