"Two words will suffice."
"Very well! War!"
—Valmont & Merteuil have a 'spat'.





Les Liaisons Dangereuses by Choderlos de Laclos, thoroughly abridged by the Marquis Déjà Dû

PART the THIRD

bar



121
THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL TO THE CHEVALIER DANCENY

If you want to get anywhere with me, stop being so flowery.



122
MADAME DE ROSEMONDE TO THE PRÉSIDENTE DE TOURVEL

He's moping & going to Paris soon.



123
THE PÈRE ANSELME TO THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT

How's Thursday, the 28th for ya?



124
THE PRÉSIDENTE DE TOURVEL TO MADAME DE ROSEMONDE

He's coming to see me on Thursday to break up.

Wah.



125
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL

I told her I'd kill myself and she fell on her back.

See you soon.



126
MADAME DE ROSEMONDE TO THE PRÉSIDENTE DE TOURVEL

Good thing you're not sleeping with him. Then you'd really feel shitty.



127
THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL TO THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT

Later fo' you! You're presumptuous. I think I'll stick with Danceny.



128
THE PRÉSIDENTE DE TOURVEL TO MADAME DE ROSEMONDE

Too late. Do you think I'm nasty?



129
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL

What'd I do!?!



130
MADAME DE ROSEMONDE TO THE PRÉSIDENTE DE TOURVEL

No, you're not nasty. You're pitiful.



131
THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL TO THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT

Oh, okay. Just once then.



132
THE PRÉSIDENTE DE TOURVEL TO MADAME DE ROSEMONDE

(Sigh…) But I love it.



133
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL

Aw. Why just once? I'll give up Tourvel if you want.



134
THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL TO THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT

Wellll … if you did give her up … no! Forget it. I changed my mind. You obviously love her.



135
THE PRÉSIDENTE DE TOURVEL TO MADAME DE ROSEMONDE

I caught him with a ho.



136
THE PRÉSIDENTE DE TOURVEL TO THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT

Fuck off!



137
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE PRÉSIDENTE DE TOURVEL

I was just giving her a ride home!



138
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL

I do not love her. I'll dump her for you.

By the way, she caught me with a ho.



139
THE PRÉSIDENTE DE TOURVEL TO MADAME DE ROSEMONDE

Oops. I was wrong. It just looked like he was with a ho.



140
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL

Cécile miscarried my kid.

How are you?



141
THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL TO THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT

Oh, you are so in love.

Here's a story about a friend of mine who dumped his girlfriend. Whaddya think? Catch any clues?



142
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL

I copied your letter and sent it to Tourvel. Waiting for a response.



143
THE PRÉSIDENTE DE TOURVEL TO MADAME DE ROSEMONDE

Look at this letter he sent me. I'm killing myself now.



144
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL

She ran away to a convent. I'm happy.

Danceny is dropping in on Cécile. Will you do me now?



145
THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL TO THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT

Ha, ha! I made you break up with Tourvel. Neener, neener. You're such a sap .. but a cute one. See you soon. I'll call you first.



146
THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL TO THE CHEVALIER DANCENY

I'm coming back to Paris tomorrow. Shh. Don't tell Valmont.



147
MADAME DE VOLANGES TO MADAME DE ROSEMONDE

Tourvel's crazy & dying.

Cécile says "Hi!"



148
THE CHEVALIER DANCENY TO THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL

I think I love you.



149
MADAME DE VOLANGES TO MADAME DE ROSEMONDE

She's still dying, and more dramatically.

She spilled her guts to me about Valmont. What a pig!



150
THE CHEVALIER DANCENY TO THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL

I wanna kiss your tits.



151
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL

You so bad! You've been in town & haven't told me. Drop Danceny & fuck me or I'll be really pissed.



152
THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL TO THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT

Ooo! I'm sooooo scared!

Look — don't order me around, okay? Be nice & I'll be nice.



153
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL

Friend or foe?

REPLY OF THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL
(Written at the foot of the above letter)
War!



154
MADAME DE VOLANGES TO MADAME DE ROSEMONDE

Valmont wrote a gooshy letter to Tourvel. I didn't give it to her.



155
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE CHEVALIER DANCENY

Drop that old bag & go see Cécile. I've set it up.



156
CÉCILE VOLANGES TO THE CHEVALIER DANCENY

I'm so hot for you. Come tomorrow through my back door.



158
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL
(Upon awakening)

Ha!



159
THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL TO THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT

Fuck you.



160
MADAME DE VOLANGES TO MADAME DE ROSEMONDE

Read this freaky letter she wrote to nobody and everybody.



161
THE PRÉSIDENTE DE TOURVEL TO — —
(Dictated by her and written by her waiting-maid)

Roly poly puddin' pie. Scooby-Doo & Tigger, too.

Succors to be me.



162
THE CHEVALIER DANCENY TO THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT

The Marquise showed me some nasty letters you wrote. Duel at dawn, brah.



163
M. BERTRAND TO MADAME DE ROSEMONDE

Danceny killed Valmont. Who's getting your money now?



164
MADAME DE ROSEMONDE TO M. BERTRAND

Arrest that young whippersnapper!



165
MADAME DE VOLANGES TO MADAME DE ROSEMONDE

Tourvel's dead. Wasn't she a sweetie-pie?



166
M. BERTRAND TO MADAME DE ROSEMONDE

Don't nail Danceny. The tabloids will be all over this ugly thing.



167
ANONYMOUS TO THE CHEVALIER DANCENY

You better skip town, dude.



168
MADAME DE VOLANGES TO MADAME DE ROSEMONDE

I've been hearing the oddest things about Merteuil.



169
THE CHEVALIER DANCENY TO MADAME DE ROSEMONDE

Don't hate me. Hate Merteuil. Here's all her letters to Valmont.



170
MADAME DE VOLANGES TO MADAME DE ROSEMONDE

Cécile checked into the convent. It's ruining my wedding plans with Gercourt.



171
MADAME DE ROSEMONDE TO THE CHEVALIER DANCENY

Thanks for the letters. These shouldn't get around.



172
MADAME DE ROSEMONDE TO MADAME DE VOLANGES

Merteuil has completely dissed you. And, don't ask me why, but believe that Cécile belongs in the convent.



173
MADAME DE VOLANGES TO MADAME DE ROSEMONDE

Why! Don't tell me she's been writing to Danceny. Oh, what the hell. I'll let them marry.

Oh, Merteuil was ignored at the Italian Comedy. She's got small pox too.



174
THE CHEVALIER DANCENY TO MADAME DE ROSEMONDE

Here's Cécile's letters. What a tramp. I hate her. I'm going to Malta.



175
MADAME DE VOLANGES TO MADAME DE ROSEMONDE

Merteuil lost an eye, grabbed her jewels & fled to Holland.

Oh, poor everybody.

(Private reasons and consideration, which we shall ever make it a duty to respect, force us to halt here.)




Liaisons Fun Fact: It is said that upon reading Les Liaisons Dangereuses when first printed, the Bishop of Pavia extolled its virtues by proclaiming at every opportunity, to anyone who would listen, "It is a highly moral piece of work, and one very good to read, especially for girls." It is the Editor's opinion that this obscure Bishop was either a great dolt, or the most brilliant and cunning of psychopaths.


NOTE:To learn more about the original "Les Liaisons Dangereuses,"
and to see why you should be reading it right now, go to the
Suffering is Hip Winter Reading List


NOTE:
To learn more about the author, the Marquis Déjà Dû,
please check his Bio on the Editors Page.