"I shall not believe in Madame de Merteuil's virtue,
until I have killed six horses in paying court to her."
—Prévan, on a Boast





Les Liaisons Dangereuses by Choderlos de Laclos, thoroughly abridged by the Marquis Déjà Dû

PART the SECOND

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61
CÉCILE VOLANGES TO SOPHIE CARNAY

Mom found all my letters from Danceny and she won't let him come over and pluck my harp. I'm totally bummed.



62
MADAME DE VOLANGES TO THE CHEVALIER DANCENY

Here's your stinking letters back. Stay away from my daughter you pedophile!



63
THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL TO THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT

I innocently tipped mom off to the fact that Cécile was writing to Danceny. She flipped. Then, I made her agree to run off to your aunt's with Cécile. You better go back so you can seduce Cécile and work on Tourvel.



64
THE CHEVALIER DANCENY TO MADAME DE VOLANGES

Sorry 'bout dat.



65
THE CHEVALIER DANCENY TO CÉCILE VOLANGES

I love you and can't write to you! But my main man Valmont's going to the same country house as you are. He'll take care of my letters.



66
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL

Okay. On my way.



67
THE PRÉSIDENTE DE TOURVEL TO THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT

Maybe we could just be friends?



68
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE PRÉSIDENTE DE TOURVEL

But I love you.



69
CÉCILE VOLANGES TO THE CHEVALIER DANCENY

I hate my fucking bitch of a mom!



70
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL

I was eating at the Maréchale's house last night when this Prévan guy boasted he could bag you. Watch out.



71
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL

Had a last little fling with some chick before I have to go back to Auntie Rosemonde's.



72
THE CHEVALIER DANCENY TO CÉCILE VOLANGES
DELIVERED BY VALMONT

Testing, testing. 1, 2, 1, 2. Are you receiving me?



73
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO CÉCILE VOLANGES

Hello. I'll be your conspirator this evening.



74
THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL TO THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT

Feh! Don't tell me to watch out. I'm going to fuck his brains out now. Just you watch!



75
CÉCILE VOLANGES TO SOPHIE CARNAY

This Valmont guy's pretty nice.



76
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL

Welp, back in the country. Doing my best to make Tourvel uncomfortable. Please don't fuck Prévan.



77
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE PRÉSIDENTE DE TOURVEL

I had to come back. Can you guess why?

Because I love you!



78
THE PRÉSIDENTE DE TOURVEL TO THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT

That was pretty sneaky.



79
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL

Prévan seduced 3 nubile sisters and ruined them all. Stay away, please. I'm really concerned.



80
THE CHEVALIER DANCENY TO CÉCILE VOLANGES

When can I see you?

Do you still love me?



81
THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL TO THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT

You really think I'm that easy a target? Let me explain thoroughly that I am, and have always been, a cold, calculated and utterly indestructible bitch.



82
CÉCILE VOLANGES TO THE CHEVALIER DANCENY

Yes, I still love you. Valmont's working out a plan for us to meet.



83
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE PRÉSIDENTE DE TOURVEL

I want you.



84
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO CÉCILE VOLANGES

I want to make a copy of your key for easy mail delivery.



85
THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL TO THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT

Ha! I seduced Prévan, then, at the last moment, cried, "Rape!" He's lost his job & all his friends. Phhht to you.



86
THE MARÉCHALE DE … TO THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL

Oh! You poor dear! I'll tell every one of my friends to hate Prévan!



87
THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL TO MADAME DE VOLANGES

I'm so flustered. Prévan tried to rape me.



88
CÉCILE VOLANGES TO THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT

I'd be scared to let you make a key. What if someone finds out!



89
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE CHEVALIER DANCENY

Well, I guess she really doesn't want to see you as much as she says she does, chum.



90
THE PRÉSIDENTE DE TOURVEL TO THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT

Well … maybe



91
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE PRÉSIDENTE DE TOURVEL

Meet me?



92
THE CHEVALIER DANCENY TO THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT

She must hate me!



93
THE CHEVALIER DANCENY TO CÉCILE VOLANGES

You must hate me!



94
CÉCILE VOLANGES TO THE CHEVALIER DANCENY

Okay, okay, I'll do it; just chill out! Jeez!



95
CÉCILE VOLANGES TO THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT

Here's the damn key. What the hell did you tell him?



96
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL

I boinked Cécile.



97
CÉCILE VOLANGES TO THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL

I'm such a slut!



98
MADAME DE VOLANGES TO THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL

Cécile's acting really strange. Must be more hung up on Danceny than I thought. I think I'll let them marry.



99
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL

Cécile is boring.

Going to finally screw Tourvel tomorrow. I'll drop by your place after and you can screw me.



100
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL

The bitch ditched in the middle of the night! I'll fucking kill her!

Here's a letter I want you to give my stupid servant boy.



101
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO AZOLAN, HIS CHAUSSEUR

Spy on her, dork.



102
THE PRÉSIDENTE DE TOURVEL TO MADAME DE ROSEMONDE

I'm in love. Wah.



103
MADAME DE ROSEMONDE TO THE PRÉSIDENTE DE TOURVEL

Awww.



104
THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL TO MADAME DE VOLANGES

No. Don't let her marry that little punk.



105
THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL TO CÉCILE VOLANGES

Yes, you are a slut. Congratulations. Isn't it wonderful?



106
THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL TO THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT

Of course she left. Can't you do anything right?



107
AZOLAN TO THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT

Spy report: she's pining pretty bad.



108
THE PRÉSIDENTE DE TOURVEL TO MADAME DE ROSEMONDE

Love hurts. Write soon.



109
CÉCILE VOLANGES TO THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL

Yah, actually, it is kinda fun. Boy, I can't wait to do Danceny.



110
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL

Boring here. At least I can boink Cécile.



111
THE COMTE DE GERCOURT TO MADAME DE VOLANGES

I want your daughter in 2 months.



112
MADAME DE ROSEMONDE TO THE PRÉSIDENTE DE TOURVEL

I can't write. My hand hurts.



113
THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL TO THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT

I'm bored. Come back to Paris & watch me seduce Danceny.



114
THE PRÉSIDENTE DE TOURVEL TO MADAME DE ROSEMONDE

Tell me what he's doing. I don't care if your hand hurts.



115
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL

Don't do Danceny. Do me.



116
THE CHEVALIER DANCENY TO CÉCILE VOLANGES

I miss you a lot. Luckily, the Marquise de Merteuil has been really, really nice to me.



117
CÉCILE VOLANGES TO THE CHEVALIER DANCENY
(DICTATED BY VALMONT)

Down boy.



118
THE CHEVALIER DANCENY TO THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL

I think you're really neat.



119
MADAME DE ROSEMONDE TO THE PRÉSIDENTE DE TOURVEL

He's acting weird & going to church.



120
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE PERE ANSELME
(a Cistercian of the monastery of the Rue Saint-Honoré)

I want to repent. Can you hook me up with Tourvel, please?





CONTINUE —>