"Revenez, mon cher Vicomte, revenez…"
—la Marquise de Merteuil





Les Liaisons Dangereuses by Choderlos de Laclos, thoroughly abridged by the Marquis Déjà Dû

PART the FIRST

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…being a succinct and modern adaptation of the blackest of all fairy tales — the most pernicious of all volumes of correspondence — and the most depraved of all soap operas. What follows is a melted-down, essential extract of Laclos' loquacious (yet oh-so-fabulous) one-hit-wonder of 1784. The poetic license taken in this abridgement is dubious, for while it's perhaps in poor artistic taste to sum up a brilliantly penned four page letter from Valmont to Tourvel by saying, "But I reeeeeealy love you!" — that's really all that was said!

— bon aventure, m.d.d.


1
CÉCILE VOLANGES TO SOPHIE CARNAY
AT THE URSULINES OF …

Hi! How's the convent? Mom's arranged my marriage, but I don't know who the guy is. I'm just so nervous! Write me, I'm insecure.



2
THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL TO THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT,
AT THE CHÂTEAU DE…

Stop hanging out at your aunt Rosemonde's. Cécile, Madame de Volanges' kid is getting married to Gercourt. He fucked me over. I want you to plow Cécile's fertile fields so he'll marry a slut and be disgraced.



3
CÉCILE VOLANGES TO SOPHIE CARNAY

Gosh! I wonder who it's going to be!



4
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL,
AT PARIS

Oh, love to, but I got something else going on. This pious prude, la Présidente de Tourvel is at my aunt's with me. Her husband's away for a while. I want to do her!

Sorry, babe.



5
THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL TO THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT

You brat. That chick's a drag.

Fine, then. I'll make Cécile's music teacher, the Chevalier Danceny do her instead. Except he's just an insipid child. Oh well — if my plans fail, I will blame you!



6
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL

Yah, she's pretty dumpy, but got a great bod. And I don't just want to do her; I want her to come begging for it. What a coup!



7
CÉCILE VOLANGES TO SOPHIE CARNAY

Oh, I still don't know who my husband's going to be. Good thing this Chevalier Danceny guy's been hanging around.

He's a real cutie-pie!!!



8
THE PRÉSIDENTE DE TOURVEL TO MADAME DE VOLANGES

Gercourt for Cécile, huh? He sounds like a dreamboat.

Well, here I am at Madame de Rosemonde's having a very nice time. This Vicomte de Valmont guy is a real charmer, I'm tellin' ya!



9
MADAME DE VOLANGES TO THE PRÉSIDENTE DE TOURVEL

No! He's a skunk! He's fucked over every woman who's ever crossed his path. (Except for the Marquise de Merteuil. She's a close, personal friend, you know.)

So, just watch out, okay?



10
LA MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL TO THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT

I'm telling you, she's a boring-ass pigeon. Don't waste your time.

I took my little boyfriend to my sex-shack last night, by the way. Whee!



11
THE PRÉSIDENTE DE TOURVEL TO MADAME DE VOLANGES

Valmont may be a skunk in Paris, but he's cool to me.



12
CÉCILE VOLANGES TO THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL

Mom's sick and I can't go to the opera with you. Thanks for asking, though. I think you're swell!!!



13
THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL TO CÉCILE VOLANGES

That's okay. I'll drop by tomorrow.



14
CÉCILE VOLANGES TO SOPHIE CARNAY

This Marquise de Merteuil is being sooper-dooper nice to me. And Danceny's even more of a cutie-butt than ever!

P.S. — I've started wearing lipstick.



15
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL

Don't tell me about your boyfriend. I'm jealous.

Tourvel's sent a guy to spy on me in the mornings. Hmm, how can I work this to my advantage?



16
CÉCILE VOLANGES TO SOPHIE CARNAY

Oh! Oh! Danceny wrote me a love letter! I don't know what to do! (I love it, but Mom would shit!) I should talk to the Marquise de Merteuil about it.



17
THE CHEVALIER DANCENY TO CÉCILE VOLANGES

I love you. Slip your reply in the harp.



18
CÉCILE VOLANGES TO SOPHIE CARNAY

He squeezed my hand!

Mmm! Deeelicious!



19
CÉCILE VOLANGES TO THE CHEVALIER DANCENY

Okay. Here's a reply. I like you, but not that way. Don't write to me again. It makes me giddy.



20
THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL TO THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT

Oh, do your little Tourvel, then. If you bring written proof, I'll sleep with you again.

Cécile is a pretty wacky kid. I think I like her. I need a protégé. I think I'll train her.



21
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL

Since I'm being watched by Tourvel's spy, I gave a peasant family a few pennies & saved their home.

Oh, wait … I'm being called to dinner …



22
THE PRÉSIDENTE DE TOURVEL TO MADAME DE VOLANGES

Valmont may have been a skunk, but he's a doll now. He saved a little peasant family.



23
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL

Tourvel told everyone about what I did. I said, "I love you," and she ran off to her room, crying.



24
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE PRÉSIDENTE DE TOURVEL

I love you.



25
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL

She says no, but means yes.

Here's the letter she wrote back to me.



26
THE PRÉSIDENTE DE TOURVEL TO THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT

I'm married! Get a grip! I passionately do not love you!



27
CÉCILE VOLANGES TO THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL

My mom's such a bitch. I can only talk to you.

Dancency's writing me love notes. I'm wet for him. What to do?



28
THE CHEVALIER DANCENY TO CÉCILE VOLANGES

You should write me back or I'll … I dunno … jump off a cliff or something.



29
CÉCILE VOLANGES TO SOPHIE CARNAY

The Marquise de Merteuil told me I should write to him, and she's pretty chi-chi, so it's okay. I only have to show her all the letters I get from him & send to him.

She's gonna tell me about my marriage too! She's really neat!



30
CÉCILE VOLANGES TO THE CHEVALIER DANCENY

I love you too.



31
THE CHEVALIER DANCENY TO CÉCILE VOLANGES

Yay!



32
MADAME DE VOLANGES TO THE PRÉSIDENTE DE TOURVEL

Sweetie, he's still a skunk. The only reason I let him in my house is because the Marquise de Merteuil does and she's pretty chi-chi.

Just watch it, kay?



33
THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL TO THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT

You've got some work to do on her, boy. Break the bitch down.



34
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL

She's refusing my letters, but by being super sly, I forced one on her at dinner. She read it & tore it up, blushing. Then, I wrote another and made it look like it came from her husband in Dijon. Hee hee!



35
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE PRÉSIDENTE DE TOURVEL
TORN

I love you.



36
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE PRÉSIDENTE DE TOURVEL
POSTMARKED DIJON

I love you.



37
THE PRÉSIDENTE DE TOURVEL TO MADAME DE VOLANGES

Okay, so maybe he's not as cool as I thought. I'm sending him away from Madame de Rosemonde's.



38
THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL TO THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT

Cécile is such a little hotty. Would you please tell your friend Danceny to get on with it!



39
CÉCILE VOLANGES TO SOPHIE CARNAY

Eek! The Marquise told me about this awful Gercourt guy I'm supposed to marry. But I'm batty over Danceny. Boo-hoo!



40
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL

The bitch is sending me away! Look at this letter and my reply.



41
THE PRÉSIDENTE DE TOURVEL TO THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT

Go away!



42
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE PRÉSIDENTE DE TOURVEL

Okay, but you have to do one thing for me. Either tell me who's talking shit about me, or let me write to you.



40
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL,
(CON'T)

…she won't dare to reveal who's talking about me, so she'll have to accept my letters.



43
THE PRÉSIDENTE DE TOURVEL TO THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT

Oh, write if you must.



44
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL

I told my chausseur to screw Tourvel's handmaid so I could burst in on them. I blackmailed her and got her to bring me Tourvel's letters. Madame de Volanges is the bitch who's dissing me.

I plan on messing her up. Still want me to sleep with Cécile?



45
THE PRÉSIDENTE DE TOURVEL TO MADAME DE VOLANGES

I kicked him out and now it's boring here. You & Cécile should come on up.



46
THE CHEVALIER DANCENY TO CÉCILE VOLANGES

Do you still love me?



47
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL

Whew! Away from my boring aunt's house! Last night I went to Émilie's. We drugged her husband and fucked like bunnies. Then I wrote a letter to Tourvel on Émilie's butt.

Oh, by the way, would you post this letter to Tourvel from Paris? Thanks.



48
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE PRÉSIDENTE DE TOURVEL
AT PARIS

I love you.



49
CÉCILE VOLANGES TO THE CHEVALIER DANCENY

Well, yah, I suppose I love you still, but I'm feeling so horny lately. I better stop writing to you or I may disgrace myself.



50
THE PRÉSIDENTE DE TOURVEL TO THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT

Eek! Cease & desist!



51
THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL TO THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT

Cécile spilled her guts to the priest, the little twit! Let's put her and Danceny back together. I'm taking her mom to the opera. You take Danceny to Cécile's.



52
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE PRÉSIDENTE DE TOURVEL

But I love you a lot!



53
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL

Okay.



54
THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL TO THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT

It was tough to keep Madame de Volanges out of the house. She kept fainting. When we got back from the opera, Cécile said that her defences were so good that Danceny didn't get anywhere. I wasn't so sure about that so I felt her up & she had an orgasm.

She's a slut and Danceny's a twit.



55
CÉCILE VOLANGES TO SOPHIE CARNAY

I love him again!



56
THE PRÉSIDENTE DE TOURVEL TO THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT

Please stop. I'm so married.



57
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL

Stop screwing your boyfriend and screw me!



58
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE PRÉSIDENTE DE TOURVEL

But I reeeeeealy love you!



59
THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT TO THE MARQUISE DE MERTEUIL

Look at this letter from Danceny. He wants to whine to me tomorrow. Do I have to listen? If not, I'd much rather go bang a friend in the country.



60
THE CHEVALIER DANCENY TO THE VICOMTE DE VALMONT

She doesn't love me! I need to talk to you.





CONTINUE —>