Ask Auntie Anguish

A WORD ON THE AUTHOR

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Old Auntie Anguish was born Augusta Anguish in Dorkinghampfordshopshire, England a very, very, very long time ago. Though a spinster to this day, her experience in matters of love and lust are nonetheless as robust and rugose as her heaving bosoms. Family and friends have historically gravitated towards her for her sound advice, her cunning insight and her no-bones-about-it approach to solving her querants' problems. Her advice has been doled out to paupers and princes. She has helped define (and has certainly imbibed in) some of the more taboo fetishes of her, and our age. She has talked budding young vampirettes out of physical blood sucking. "Plagues are cyclical, my dear," says Auntie Anguish about current STD's, "best to stay away from the red stuff, no matter the century." When asked about her harsh manner of delivery, she quips, "Sure you catch more flies with sugar than vinegar, dearie; but who the hell wants to catch flies anyway?"

Auntie Anguish has agreed to come on board with the Suffering is Hip denizens and exercise her inimitable talents in assisting some of our readers with their isssssues. "I don't have to get up, do I?" No, no, Auntie. We'll bring the mail to you. "Yes, bring the males to me..."

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Dear Auntie,

My brother in law is reportedly "hung like a HORSE"... However, he's also really mean... What to do? I must have him!! (but it must be like totally discreet)...

Signed, it's a family thang

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Dear I.A.F.T.,

Look dearie, Auntie is out of geritol and her arthritis is kicking in. The last thing I want to do is counsel a sexually-frustated size queen. But what the hell. Let's call it a form of Gestalt therapy.

For starters, what's this "must have" bullshit?" MUST HAVE. An obsessed person's mantra. The little impish chant of a fledgling stalker. And what about the brother you are with?! Isn't he hung like a stallion or is it only the brother-in-law? What is your obsession with men who are hung like a horse? Or is it the "horse" aspect that you are obsessed with? Bestiality is not quite the trend yet -- people are still warming up to S/M. Or do you have incest issues -- projecting them onto the brother-in-law to try and rekindle that forbidden pleasure/nightmare of fucking within the familial gene pool. (Are you from Kentucky?)

Then again, maybe you're so stretched out that you need a 12 inch dick to create any sensation. Or are you a normal-sized gal with a big dick complex because of that pathetic urban myth that big, thick dicks equal manly men who can bring you to big, thick orgasms? Christ! Perhaps you LIKE being penetrated so far that a new channel is plowed to your anus. Maybe it's all that banging up against the cervix that you like -- you know -- the pain that feels similar to a kidney bursting?

Auntie cannot begin to figure out from your letter why the hell you need advice anyway. MUST HAVE usually becomes DID HAVE and there's another feather for your bonnet, sweet-cheeks. If you simply MUST have, do whatever the hell you want. Just be big enough yourself to accept the consequences of fucking the alarmingly hung, mean sonofabitch brother-in-law of your current lover and don't bitch and complain and whine if you end up alone with a butchered pussy, looking for some gentle femme-dyke to kiss your mountain and gradually heal your inner pain until you're ready to jump in the saddle again with a man. Or some man's hung brother-in-law. Or become a member of the U.S. Equestrian team and fulfill the REAL horsey fantasy that's lurking in your subconscious. Sheesh!

Yours ever,

Auntie Anguish

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Dear Auntie,

I have two questions: Why is it when I masturbate I manage to get off in a record amount of time -- but yet, when being fucked, I can't get off without masturbating along with him -- which means rubbing my twat like an earthquake. But then the guy thinks it's him, and he doesn't realize I was helping. If he knew I was helping, would he feel less a "man" because he couldn't do it his goddamn self? And why is it I can stick a vibrator up my ass and get off about 20 times in a minute, but when a man sticks his dick up my ass, unless it's John Denver, I can't get off? What do you think?

Sleeveless in Seattle

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Dear S.I.S.,

All I have to say is: Talk to the hand, girl. I hear your plainitive cry, dearie, and here below for your enlightenment and edification is a brief epistle called Sweet Mystery Of Life At Last I Have Found You. A historical overview directly and specifically related to and in answer to your letter to me. Tell two friends...and they'll tell two friends....and they'll tell two friends....

Sweet Mystery Of Life At Last I Have Found You:

It is indeed the sad, bitter and downright pathetic truth that men are easy to please and swift to ejaculate into orgasmic oblivion with no more assistance than a glance at a nude glossy of a busty broad or a few quick strokes from a harlot giving a handjob.

It also a cruel (for men) yet resplendent (for women) reality that most women desire, need and have a DIVINE RIGHT to copious amounts of foreplay and stimulation. This is because the world SHOULD still be a Matriarchy on the whole instead of a narcissistic Patriarchy which only came about because once all the wars and the venereal disease-related deaths of all the men had thinned out the male gender,the women, wives and daughters were left holding all the land and property, wealth, and assets so the Catholic Church patriarchy created the Inquisition and all those witch trials in order to swindle the women out of property, financial power, societal position and influence and, in a few brief centuries, turned the world into a selfish, penis-worshipping, avarice-driven, limp-willed but belligerant, male-dominated chain of societies.

Thus, as the Natural Order evolves to correct itself, we women now have the incredibly weak and fragile egos of the male to deal with because after so many centuries, the male's facade of confidence (based on religious zealot paranoia, greed and repressed eyeliner envy) is eroding as women slowly and absolutely reinstate the Matriarchy. It is women who have a Divine Right to harems, rulership of continents, the gathering of minions and whip-cracking total dominance. (Hence the current trend toward hordes of faux-powerful males whimpering on their knees, slobbering and begging Mistress Tantra to squeeze their nuts with a socket wrench as she spanks their swollen dick with a putty knife all the while trying to breathe around a tennis ball stuffed into their mouth, hands and feet tied with duct tape. "Oh! THANK you Mistress Tantra, may I have another...")

I hope that answers your query.

Oh, and John Denver was more in touch with his feminine side, hence your satisfying anal off-getting. However, don't confuse this with homoerotic leanings on his part. It is merely an unconscious symbolic gesture of recognizing his evolutional inferiority. They don't call it the back door for nothing, honey, 'cause everyone knows that in any civilized society the back door is a standard servant entrance.

Yours ever in full regalia,

Auntie Anguish

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Dear Auntie,

Sometimes, when I'm sleeping with a guy, he likes me to twist his balls almost off, and he gets off so well, but then there are others who cannot deal -- gotta be gentle with them -- what *ever*! My question is: How do you know how a guy likes his balls treated without being so crass as to actually ask?

Signed, Um, Fuckin' Em?

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Dear U.F.E.,

Does this question seem rather simple to resolve to anyone else out there? I mean, without having to actually write it to a very intolerant and very world weary Auntie who would rather be watching the Patty Duke Movie Day on the Lifetime for Women channel than answering sex questions posed by the greater unwashed?

Well you've bothered me but I will respond, even as I sit here listening to Patty Duke acting her made-for-t.v.-movie heart out in the next room....

Sweetcakes, you COULD clear this up before finishing the first cocktail, or you could wait until copulating has commenced -- but there is no way around it -- you have to communicate what you want or how are you going to get it? And if he's not talking, then you have to do the Barbara Walters in-depth investigative querying. "How do you like it....how do you like it...MORE MORE MORE..." that sort of thing.

In the alternative, perhaps you could find out the hankie code for this -- like maybe it's a bright testicular-beige colored hankie with little black ben wah ball graphics on it and you wear it through the left or right belt loop (depending...), arranged decoratively with a nifty little twist-tie...

Anyway, "don't ask don't tell" is only for the military -- so ask and tell and have it your way -- or goddamit -- don't have it at all!

Hang on, Patty -- I'm on my way into the front room,

Auntie Anguish

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If you would like to prevail upon the wisdom of Auntie Anguish, please avail yourself of the Post Chaise form below. Of course, you have the option of remaining anonymous by leaving the anonymous email address intact, but if you do choose to divulge your address, Auntie Anguish will forward a response to you personally before it is broadcast here to untold millions. All queries submitted may or may not appear in this column.

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