HorrorScopesTICKLING YOUR ZODIAC FANCY
WITH LEXOMANCY
Spring/Summer 2002


Well all righty then. Many New Orleans moons ago I was supposed to do T.V. Scopes -- Horrorscopes for the signs based on various T.V. programs. Unfortunately, a few dreary situations managed to drain all the creative life out of me, as can be evidenced by my dwindling online diary entries, and so those aforementioned T.V. Scopes have been blatantly MIA. Sigh. Life is no fun if all you have is your day drag to get you through.

Well huzzah! THINGS have changed. In a mere few months I will finally be moving MUCH closer to the bustling and fun French Quarter. I have a new permanent job at a highly entertaining law firm (as can be evidenced by my diary entry entitled, "But Ya ARE, Blanche"), and Ghosts from my Past have appeared via e-mail proffering creative opportunities that have inspired me.

I decided that I would do the Horrorscopes using Lexomancy. Lexomancy means essentially, divination by book. (Our own Marquis used to do lexomancy using a dictionary he called Ed.) It goes like this: I have two books, Weird Words and More Weird Words. I printed out and studied the most recent astrological weather chart from www.alabe.com. Then, closing my eyes and using my mind's eye, guided by my third eye, I randomly chose a Weird Word to act as the definition/prognostication for each sign.

Without further trifling, here are the 'Scopes. I applied the trends for three months, March through May. The random lexomantic selection is where Fate gets to play the wild card in the equation.

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang,
La Comtesse Melusine

 


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ARIES

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LIBRA

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TAVRVS

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SCORPIO

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GEMINI

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SAGITTARIVS

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CANCER

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CAPRICORN

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LEO

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AQVARIVS

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VIRGO

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PISCES



MARCH 21 thru APRIL 20
Aries Tropophobia (fear of making changes)

Uh oh. Couldn't be more obvious, nudge nudge know what I mean? Buckle up because if you fight the flow of the tides that are rising, you'll capsize. You may have to allow a "healing" crisis to do some house cleaning for you, but without having any say in the matter. Just ride it out. If fear makes you want to resist the inevitable -- well -- just understand that this resistance is akin to showing your hand too soon. It is also prudent to keep in mind that for the next few months, Fate is not bluffing.

APRIL 21 thru MAY 21
taurusMullock Tailing (mining refuse)

Hmmmmmmm! Quoting from the definition: "The mull in this word is directly related to the mulling many of us do ... mulling it over. Figuratively, we flip things over and around and pull them apart -- that is, we grind things up -- in our minds. Mull from mel, meaning "grind". From it we get molar, (a tooth that grinds food), mill (which grinds), meal (which has been ground), malt, millet, maelstrom and mold (ground or molded into shape). Now that we've mulled that over, we can remove the chaff and leave it for the collector of our mind's refuse." Soooo, for you Taureans, there's a whole lot of thinking going on -- and then some molding into shape of ideals, goals, plans and whatnot. From methodical to manifest - you'll be on a roll by the time May itself rolls around. (And a little mulled wine wouldnÕt hurt either.)

MAY 22 thru JVNE 21
gemini Callisteia (beauty prizes)

I'm SO sure. Apparently you get to win. You are going get an important tiara of accomplishment presented to you hands-down. And please note that the definition uses the plural of prize, alluding that you multi-faceted Gems are going to get more than one prize in the next three months. Well, we all get our day in the Sun, so shine baby shine! (and be sure to buy your lil ole elf something pretty too).

JVNE 22 thru JVLY 23
cancer Vade Mecum (a favorite book that one carries everywhere)

This one speaks to me on a couple different levels. One, to find your favorite tactile and tangible sources of inspiration and carry them as talismans or amulets. Any kind of totem you charge with intent should be carried with you or displayed prominently in any of your environments - think of them as conduits. Another level is to finally unveil something about yourself you have always kept guarded. Try carrying it conspicuously in your demeanor for all to perceive. You may also find yourself drawn to a different style or attracted to people who you wouldnÕt call your "type." An interesting weirdness could take hold of you -- and you won't even feel weird about it.

JVLY 24 thru AVGVST 23
leo Hippopotomonstrosesesquipedalian
(pertaining to a very long word)

Okay, I am laughing my ass off because the three other SiH editors, Le Marquis, Kallisti and Mordantia Bat (among so many other of my friends) are all Leos, and are all avid Word Whores. I simply cannot believe that I randomly chose this word for the Leo 'scope. But what does it MEAN? The biggest, the longest, the loudest, the drunkest, the most pretentious, the lucky starriest - expect the utmost of everything, both good and unpleasant to enhance your lives in the next few months. Things will seem to be extreme, and you will probably respond in the extreme. And by all means, cater to your whims in the style you want to become accustomed to doing so. It's also time to pursue dormant flights of fancy -- they could very well become prominent realities. And remember, it's your jungle, the rest of us just lose the spelling bee in it. (Oh I don't know. It just popped into my head. Maybe the Leos can decode it -- each to their own predilection.)

AVGVST 24 thru SEPTEMBER 23
virgo Lethonomia (a tendency to forget names)

Now I know you Virgos donÕt want to hear this Š but throw away your lists, forget about running things neat and orderly, and in your personal lives prepare for vagueness and double entendre to rule the days (and nights). If you try and analyze ANYTHING in the next few months, you will apply the wrong logic and things will run amok. Well, MORE amok than they will anyway. Now all this amok stuff isnÕt a BAD thing, it just feels that way to Virgos. I suggest you take a decidedly non-linear, non-logical, non-methodical stance for the next few months. A spontaneous vacation in Vegas with a bag of quarters in one hand and a stiff cocktail in the other might be JUST the thing.

SEPTEMBER 24 thru OCTOBER 23
libra Tachyauxesis (in an organism, the growth of a part at a faster rate than the whole)

Well thatÕs kind of self-explanatory! Certain areas of your life will feel an accelerated development so if you are looking to expand your love life options, make more money, get a new career, grow out your hair, take up weight-lifting to improve muscle tone -- any of those can be shifted into high gear.. Focus on nurturing and cultivating your goal-of-the-moment with the concept of "growth" in mind. But there is one caveat Š when you shift your focus say from career to social life, your career will plateau off while your social life takes on a new pace. YouÕll have to view yourself as a skilled gardener. Not a circus juggler. (Nor, thank goodness, a mime).

OCTOBER 24 thru NOVEMBER 22
scorpio Elapidation (a clearing away of stones)

Now these could be metaphoric stones Š obstacles in your path romantically or professionally. Or it could be literally, kidney stones, or stones in your shoes or in your lentils. But the gist is that a whole load of minor career or money obstacles, annoying people, and irritating health issues are going to be cleared away. Sometimes without you having to blink an eye, and sometimes requiring just a wiggle in your walk or a wave of your (ahem) wand. To paraphrase from a quote I once read: Flattery, sensuality and charm will take you to exhilarating places for the next few months so put your tongue in your cheek and start spreading the oil. (Especially if itÕs massage oil Š va va va vooom!)

NOVEMBER 23 thru DECEMBER 21
sagittarius Diplopia (double vision)

Oh great. Now I have that song going through my head. Who did that song anyway Š DOUBLE VISION hum hum hummm. ANYway, double vision for us sage Sagittarians. Well now that could be good. It could be annoying. It definitely could be the result of over-indulging in libational and other pursuits. According to astrological climate conditions, we are expected to begin viewing things interdimensionally. For the next triad of months, our lives will run more effectively if one reality is super-imposed over another, creating a lively montage of complexity and hopefully entertainment (depending on the circumstances, natch.). While the result of this overlapping can be confusing, it can also be informative. I guess weÕll have to accept a little of both Š which follows our horrorscope concept of double and vision. Double-duty, double jeopardy, double orgasm, double-dipping, double-dealing, double your pleasure double your fun, double trouble, double in the bubbleÉOkay. IÕm stopping now. (Did I leave any out?)

DECEMBER 22 thru JANVARY 2O
capricorn Velivolant (under full sail)

Full speed again, Caps. The winds are moving in the direction you need them to, things are moving along at a nice clip, the tides, whether calm or erratic, are still propelling you toward accomplishement and tangible success in all the areas you have a game plan for. I suppose I could use more maritime, seafaring, avast-me-hearties metaphors, but "under full sail" speaks clearly enough for you for the next few months. Saturn, planet of limitation who is your rudder planet is also the planet of culmination, reward for efforts expended, and consolidation. Yo ho ho!d, and consolidation. Yo ho ho break out that bottle of rum!

JANVARY 21 thru FEBRVARY 19
aquarius Macrophobia (fear of long waits)

Tic toc tic toc -- what a damnable nuisance that clock is (to quote from Kids in the Hall). You will feel in a hurry for the next few months and the best way to combat that kind of impatience is to find solace and pleasure in frivolous distractions. Things ARE happenign for you on many levels that will bring what and were you want to be) it's just that you are a little ahead of Fate's game.you nt to be, toe-tapping Intuitively - in fact downright psychically -- your clarity will be remarkable and soemtimes downright unsettling. Again, combat a feelign of being ungrounded or spacey with something frivolous and non-essential -- social interaction with others is highlighted as a good grundgin cord. And psychically you will find yourself in the right place at the right time and these frivolous distractions could actually be a key experience in something you are waiting impatiently to happen.

FEBRVARY 20 thru MARCH 20
pisces Cafard (French slang term for the madness produced by terminal boredom)

Well okay then. Those sassy French, they don't mince words -- well actually -- they do. But that is neither here nor there. Basically, you need a change of routine, change of scene, change of heart, change of underwear -- whatever -- so long as SOMETHING changes. And actually, these changes aren't those that seem conspicuous or necessary, but those which have become so camouflaged that you don't recognize them as comfortable little jacuzzis of stagnation. In this instance, Fate is waiting for you to initiate something different and unpredictable, and then Fate will follow suit. So do go a little mad -- we all go a little mad sometimes -- but it needn't be the chop someone up in the shower variety. Or -- er -- something like that.