SEPULCHRITUDE’s Krazy Kocktailz!

M

ELUSINE AND
I are always elated at the prospect of having our dear friend and co-conspirator Mordantia Bat here in New Orleans when she deems it necessary to treat herself to a little holly-olly-oliday soaked in booze and other combustibles on the sweat-drenched banks of our Mighty Mississippi. One pleasant evening during her last sojourn hither as we quaffed away our convoluted “woes” at Ye Olde Shimme Shamme Clubbe, we took it upon ourselves to torment the bartender by asking for drinks that technically didn’t exist. The bartender, being a creative and patient chap, attempted to make us some of these odd concoctions for which we were calling, but after some time, the strain was showing in his face.

We’re a nice lot. We let him have his peace.

But we took it upon ourselves to create recipes for some of the apocryphal drinks we had ordered to save him the trouble of creative mixology. Since I myself am a French Quarter bartender at The Hideout on Decatur, the drink names were put to me match to a suitable recipe. I took copious notes of our alcoholic session on — natch — a stack of bev-naps, which seems to be standard Sepulchritude stationery whenever Bat or Melusine are within spittin’ distance.

Some of that night’s creations would be legitimately good drinks. Others, due to the nature of the name given them, are necessarily vile. Others are simply odd and frightening, but hey, it’s the French Quarter — what the hell, right?

Because we are generous to our readers who, studies show, are mostly weepy drunks and fervent socialites, I am pleased to present a list of curious cocktail recipes to tease your pallate and stun and amaze your friends. Be the first on your block to offer up a round of “Tuberculosis” or shots of “Jan Brady” at your next social gathering! Offer a nice tall “Brain Hemorrhage” to that important client and see how quickly your contract is signed! Offer Uncle Alphonse a sassy “Touch Me, Hooker!” and enjoy a beneficial place in his will!

&c.

And please remember, always use caution when drinking heavily. Machine operating epileptics should not drive a tractor. Alcohol can lead to pregnancy. And for god’s sake, don’t call up your ex-girl/boyfriend in the middle of the night and warble, “I love you, maaaaan.” Just Say No to Drinking & Dialing! —M.D.D.


WEARETHEDÆMONSWHOSERVE!


Girl Drink Drunk
SISSY-ASS-PANSY-POOH-DRINK

In a blender combine:
1/2 canister frozen pink lemonade
Equal amount gin
Equal amount milk
Fill to 3/4 with ice
Blend till frothy
Serve to smelly gutter punks at a Xmas party in a trailer.
The quintessential Girl Drink, from Mom's secret recipe, made public for the first time. This was my introduction to alcohol at the tender age of 8 when maman would host her garden parties and make pitchers of this ambrosial frothy treat and I would sneak glass. After glass. After glass after glass. "Tastes like candy, Ray!" as the saying goes.

This drink goes by other monikers as well: Gin Fizz, Pink Gin Fizz, Pink Ginny Fizzy Wizzy, Pink Gin Fizzy Fuffy Moofy, Moofy Gin Fizzy Wizzy Fluffy Wuffy, Pink Gin Fwuffy Wuffums Wuff-Wuff Wuzzums-Wuzzums Fizzy-Fizz-Fizz, and of course, Fuffy-Fuffy-Fuffy-Fuffy Moofy-Moof-Moof-Moofy Pink Gin Wizzy Fizzy Gin-Gin Wuzzums Nuzzums Schnookums Wuzz-Wuzz Mutahfuggah!
Bend Me Over And Fuck Me Up The Ass

Chill equal parts (splashes)—
Malibu Rum
Southern Comfort
Grand Marnier
Midori
Amaretto
Cranberry
Strain into shot glass.
This one was not assigned to me on the evening denoted above. It was, however, requested of me one night at work.

Marquis: "Hi. What can I get you?"
Guy: "Bend Me Over And Fuck Me Up The Ass."
Marquis: "I … beg your pardon?"
Guy: "You don't know that one?"
Marquis: "I know a variation of it, but I can't perform it while I'm working. Where are you from?"
Guy: "Alabama."
Marquis: "I see."

This one tastes like the sludge one might scoop from the bottom of a daiquiri machine after it has been in use for about two years without a thorough cleansing. But I mean that in a good way. Anyway, it's sweet and fruity, and girls like that. Although what the hell the Alabammy guy was doing ordering one alone in the middle of the night is a mystery worthy of the talents of Hercule Poirot.
I Love My Dead Gay Son

A can of Pabst Blue Ribbon served in a hollowed-out pineapple with an umbrella, a flower and a wiggly straw.
Named after the eulogy in the film "Heathers". Something fruity. Something fun. Something faggy. Something football.
Sylvia Plath

Hi-Ball glass:
Ice
1 oz. Vodka
1/2 oz. Blue Curaçao
Fill with Sprite
Barcardi 151 floater, set on fire.
Must be served on a crisply ironed linen serviette.
The solid harbinger of the 50s, the classic hi-ball, teased with a little color and sweetness, and ruined by oppression and violence while being served on a façade-upholding froufy housewife accoutrement. The perfect drink for your favorite Scorpio!
The HUZZAH!

Shot glass:
1/2 Bärenjäger (mead)
1/2 Sprite
Melusine was getting pretty loopy when she asked me to create this one. I vividly remember her squealing the name whilst throwing her arms into the air with alarming exuberance. Touchdown, Melusine!
Décollétée

Shot glass:
Chill a shot of Ketel One Vodka
Strain
Add a slice of kiwi
Take with a sour chaser
One for our absent friend Kallistí, of course. This one took me a while. Conceptually, I wanted something quick (thus the shot) and harsh (thus straight, unflavored vodka with no frou-frou additives) yet smooth (thus Ketel) and cold as the sharpened steel blade of the guillotine (uh, ice?). But that wasn't the whole story. The sour chaser — and who ever does a chaser of sour? — is sweet like Kallistí, yet causes the mouth to go into a puckered 'O' shape of shame, also like Kallistí, or much like one might wear while watching a head drop into a basket. The kiwi, when sliced, is the most vividly vivisected of fruits, and shows all its internal organs: spine, muscle, veins and arteries. YUM!
Marcia Brady

Hi-ball glass:
Ice
1 oz. Stoli Vanil
Fill with soda
Slice of lime
Okay, I've got this Brady fixation. You should probably know this about me before we continue with this relationship.

Marcia is a bitchy little princess. Most of my bitchy princesses at The Hideout order Stoli Vanil — I haven't figured this one out yet, but facts are facts.

Marcia seems a kind of hi-ball girl, so I used that as the platform. It's not a sweet drink, but Marcia's not a sweet girl, is she. No, she's sour as a lime. Fuckin' little bitchy princess. Sheesh.
Jan Brady

Shot glass:
Godiva Chocolate Liqueur with a dash of Jalapeño Tabasco
Poooor Jaaaaaaan… Always the little freckly fuck-up. Who cracked the family portrait cause she wasn't wearing her glasses? Jan. Who was most prone to the measles? Jan. Who almost had Tiger put to sleep because of her allergies? Jan. Who throws a pool party on a cloudless day, then it rains? Oh wait, that was me, but I felt like Jan. Pooor Jaaaaan…

Jan tries, she really does. She wants to be sweet and popular and yummy (Godiva Liqueur) but then it all falls to shit. Pooooooooor Jaaaaaaaan!
Clitty Litter

Shot glass:
1/3 Jameson Irish Whiskey
1/3 Southern Comfort
1/3 Bailey's Irish Cream
I don't know exactly what I was thinking on this one, but I stand by it steadfastly. It's essentially a belfast bomber with a little sweet and gritty SoCo thrown on because this is New Orleans.

This is dedicated to my friend and co-worker Pamela, named after her band.

I've got to make one of these once and find out how it tastes. I bet it would be good. (Shrug.)
Robatussin

Shot glass:
1/2 Jägermeister
1/2 Cranberry
I'm very proud of this one. Someone asked me to make a "Robatussin" at work and I went at it. I tried something more complicated, but then landed on this deceptively simple recipe. And I'll be damned if it didn't taste exactly like a spoonful of Robatussin!

It reminded me of staying home sick from school, and those are happy memories indeed.
Peanut Butter & Jelly

Shot glass:
Chill 1/2 Frangelico
1/2 Cranberry.
Strain
Speaking of recreating childhood treats with adult beverages…

I can't claim that I invented this one, and frankly I don't know how it works out so well, but I swear to god you can almost taste the Wonder Bread surrounding the PB&J! It's a miracle of modern science. Such verisimilitude! Warning: it kinda sticks to the roof of your mouth, but what did you expect?
Red Snapper

Shot glass:
Chill 3/4 oz. Crown Royal
1/4 oz. Amaretto
1 oz. Cranberry
Strain
Again, I didn't create this one; this is a standard classic in New Orleans. I've tried to order them in other parts of the country/world, but few other cities know what a Red Snapper is. It is to benefit you non-New-Orleanians that I include this simple yet delicious and functional shot in our archives.

Curiously, no one — even those who hate whiskey — dislikes a Red Snapper.
Satan's Daughter

Shot glass:
Chill 1 oz. Herradura Añejo Tequila
1 oz. orange juice
Splash of Rose's Lime
Strain
This is the last drink I am including which I didn't create. My co-worker and mentor Candace at The Hideout on Decatur Street made this one, and named it Satan's Daughter because she hated it.

Oddly, there was a time not too long ago when this was the fashionable shot to do, and any bartender in the French Quarter worth his weight in margarita salt knew how to make one.

I have a standard repertoire of drinks I make for people who want something, but have no idea what they want. This one has yet to fail to please. Despite what Candace thinks.
Lemon Drop

Shot glass:
In a shaker, combine—

ice
1 tbsp. sugar
1 1/4 oz. Absolut Citron
Six or so lemon wedges, squeezed
Shake with alarming violence (to dissolve the sugar).
Strain.
My, my! People sure are finicky about their Lemon Drops these days! Everyone wants to tell me how to make one, and they insist that their way is the only way! They are as militant and tunnel-visioned as Mormons or Republicans when it comes to this drink. Frankly, it's beginning to piss me off.

This one is truly a gift. I'm not going to be as audacious as some of my customers and tell you this is the only way to make a Lemon Drop, but in my opinion it is the best. And when I serve this and occasionally get the retort, "Um, excuuuze me! I want a lemon on a napkin with sugar around it…" my general friendly-neighborhood-bartender response is, "Shut the fuck up and drink this you damn uppity biatch."

Nine times out of ten, the cranky customer is converted and admits that yes, this is the best Lemon Drop they've ever had.

(The tenth was some drunk woman who was angry because I wouldn't take off my pants and show her my ass. She was bound to be disappointed with anything I did for her after that.)


SEEOURFUNNYLITTLECOCKTAILDANCE?


Drinks For Thine Enemies
Droppin' the Cosby Kids Off At The Pool

Shot glass:
Capt. Morgan
Raisins
Trying to recreate a toilet visually, if not in taste.
Penis Williams

Shot glass:
1/2 Black Sambvca
1/2 Nehi
What the hell???
Get Your Hands Off Me You Damn Dirty Ape

Plastic cup:
Coors Lite
Pork rind garnish
For our white trash brethren. White people love Coors Lite.

And pork rinds.
Yo Mama

Pint glass:
1 oz. Crown Royal
Fill with ice and milk
Pork rind garnish
For our black trash brethren. Black people love Crown.

And pork rinds.
Hitler's Staff Car

Pint glass:
1/2 Guinness
1/2 Urine
Oh come on, what am I supposed to do with this?

Okay, enough of this section. Blech.


THISISASECRETMESSAGE!WOO!


Drinks For Thine Enemies
Goth Damage

Water with a lemon slice.
Serve repeatedly, all night long.
(Note: no tips on this one, popkids.)
How can whiney goths who just spent $400 on a nouveau-retro fop coat afford an actual drink?

But then again, if you're out of cash, DON'T GO TO A BAR! Jeeze! Fucking idjits!
Jock Itch

Pint glass:
Drop a shot glass of Cuervo Gold in a Bud draft.
I haven't actually served one of these, but I'm waiting for some sack-o-meat frat boy to stumble into my bar so I can try it out on him.
Black Sperm of Vengeance

Pint glass:
Drop a shot glass of Jägermeister into a pint of Guinness.
And the darker, classier version. Actually, this sounds like it could be pretty good. If I weren't so bloody hungover right now, I'd give it a rum-go.
20th Century Boy

Rocks glass:
Shot of Cuervo Gold tequila
Splash of grenadine
Slice of lime
It was these conceptual pieces that I found the greatest challenge, and thus the most fun.

Your classic standard tequila shot, gone a bit glam. Delicious, functional, fits the name. Would you like salt with that? Perhaps some glitter eye shadow?
Brain Hemorrhage

Hi-ball glass:
Ice
1 oz. Absinthe
Fill with Cranberry
Your classic standard absinthe cocktail, gone a bit … metastic. Still yummy though.
Fauxrona

Any crap draft beer with a squeeze of lemon.
This one wasn't assigned to me; I created it years ago and have trained most of my favorite bartenders to know what it is.

On those nights when I'm a little too broke to indulge in some of these "classier" drinks (you know, like that Capt. Morgan / Raisins thing) but I still want to hang out in a bar, drink and be able to afford to tip, I find that pretty much any pilsnery beer with a lemon squeeze tastes like Corona.

All the taste without that fancy-schmancy Mexican price hike! ¡Olé!
Bat's Head

Irish coffee cup:
1/2 shot Jameson Irish Whiskey
1/2 shot Ouzo
Fill with coffee
Ooo, this one was tough! "Make my head!" barked our visiting compatriot.

Bat's drinks always seem to start with an Irish coffee glass, so I took the standard recipe for that but made it a bit … Greek. To understand why this apparent randomness suits her, you'll have to go read her stuff.
Coo Coo Ca Choo, Mrs. Robinson

Shot glass:
Glenlivet scotch with a twist of lemon
Soda chaser
Repeat if necessary
To be true to the movie, Anne Bancroft drank bourbon and once, a martini. But no one does shots of scotch. That's usually over ice, or in a snifter, right? So I'm thinking, what shot would Mrs. Robinson do?

Ta-dah. You lecherous ole thing. No wonder your voice is so raspy.
Tuberculosis

Chill a martini glass.
Chill 1 1/2 oz. Chopin vodka
Strain into glass
"Splatter" with a few drops of Grenadine
Serve on a crumpled and faded lace handkerchief
An homage to my most sickliest of heroes. Simple, classic, and drenched in blood, and how convenient for me that he has his own brand of vodka. Well done Fred!
Morgan Fairchild

Rocks glass:
1/2 Scotch
1/2 Drambuie
Over ice
Garnish with ostentatious fruity things on a mini plastic sword.
She seems like a Rusty Nail type to me, but she wouldn't be satisfied without her silly accoutrements.

What self-respecting, up-do'd, hatchet-faced, B-grade character actress would?
Baudelaire

Flute glass:
Bad Champagne (André will do nicely!)
Chartreuse floater
Nasturtium garnish
And an homage to one of Bat's florid old heroes.

This one's hard to swallow, kinda bitter, kinda sweet and way earthy. But hey, at least it's pretty!
Oscar Wilde

Rocks glass:
Ice
Absinthe
Bromides
I'm sure he prepared his absinthe correctly with the sugar drip of water and everything, but, I dunno, I just want to think he drank it straight. That's just somehow … sexier.

(note: bromides can be replaced with an Alka-Seltzer for those of you not living entirely in the 19th c.)
Staph Infection

Shot glass:
3/4 Chartreuse
Rumplemintz floater
Things were getting a little out of hand at this point.

"STAPH INFECTION, Melusine?"

Okay, this has the earthiness of a pus-filled infection (except better tasting?) and a hint of antiseptic. Hell, that Rumplemintz crap might double as penicillin. I know it already doubles as Listerine.
The Naughty Monk

Pint glass:
1 oz. Frangelico
Harp Ale
…aka "The Nutty Monk."

Though most definitely not starring Jerry Lewis, thankyouverymuch.
Aunt Jemima's Titty

1 oz. Vodka
1/2 oz. Dark Crème de Cacao
Milk
Serve in a baby bottle.
I really want to serve this one. I can't think of anything sexier than having a 7' tall biker in leather and studs and gromets nursing a baby bottle at 4am in my bar.

Okay, I can think of one or two things sexier … but not many!
Touch Me, Hooker

Shot glass:
1/2 Sake
1/2 Stoli Razberi
Another one of those conceptual pieces. I think this one really works, but it would work better if the sake were heated, and the vodka chilled, thus going to great pains to come up with something already room temperature.

Those silly hookers.
Les Liaisons Dangereuses

Wine glass:
Merlot over Whist and General Social Intrigue
The importance of this drink is not so much the recipe, but the atmosphere in which it is consumed. Dark, smokey, quiet, perhaps with strains of a string quartet or some muted peasant rabble mumbling wafting from over the parapet.

I've never created a drink that relies so much upon interior design. Colors, I'm thinking wine brocade, or eggplant. Something … clotted anyway.

Conversation should not center so much around quipping, as it should plotting. Revenge is a dish best served with a platter of cucumber sandwiches and some delicate ladyfingers. Maybe some "Nipples of Venus" truffles? Go on. Run with it. Be creative. But be vitriolic.
Stripper Damage

Shot glass:
Jägermeister with a pineapple juice chaser.
This one was easy enough. Many of my favorite strippers who come to visit me order this.

This one has less to do with my (dubious?) talents of invention, and more with my (incessant?) talents of observation.
Loki Pee

Pint glass:
2/3 Harp Ale
1/2 Pineapple juice
Who knew Satan's Little Helper was diabetic?

At this point in the evening, we should have been cut off. So I will do the belated Right Thing and conclude this list.

And may I wish everyone a happy hangover, and merry new day!



ANDNOWTHECUPBOARDISBARE




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