(by Melusine, Kallistí and Marquis Déjà Dû)
(click for bigguns)

WHO gave Jake West all that money!? WHO'S to blaaaame!?

Jake had a dream! Jake had a dream! Jake had one long wet dream of a movie.

Jake! Jake! What were you thinking? Who died and left you Jesse Franco?

No cliché is left unturned in this ... œuvre by Jake West. Take one from column A, and two from colu mn B. Jake kept all of his notes from film school. What's your pleasure? An opening sequence with vomiting razor blades? An angel-dust snorting bumbling detective who whittles his own wooden stakes during a "stake-out," and who has a propensity to get kicked in the nuts a lot and whose dying utterance is "Bollocks"? Illuminati conspiracy Masonic secret society running the government, if not the world? Vampire lesbianism in latex with a soundtrack by "Curve"? Breasts, breasts and more breasts? Breasts squeezing out of latex? Breasts not moving at all? Weird breasts? Collagen lips on the star, to accentuate the breasts? Death by orgasm? Gratuitous dream sequences and black and white 19th century flashbacks with erronous period piece clothing? (Is that a cravat or a tie? Neither! It's a dinner napkin with jellybeans on it!) Special blue lighting for the star? Champagne glasses falling in slow motion and breaking on terra cotta tiles? Three inch fangs that consistently break the fourth wall? Snakey pirhouettes in and out of doorways? Requisite goth-club shooting in "Transilvania" with a soundtrack of "Bela Lugosi's Dead" peopled by ugly goat-goth boys? A coffin serving as a gun cabinet? Vampire myth debunking with "wit" and far too much lipstick? Vill-ains with im-peck-uh-bull uh-nun-see-ay-shun? Duels, pistols, sword fighting, marshal arts, decapitation, and sex all peppered with glib one-liner "dialogue"? (Platinum: "I've always had a soft spot for you Lilith." [He thrusts] Lilith Silver: "Ohh! And a hard one, too!")

Did we miss anything, Jake, cause you sure didn't.

Written, produced, directed, edited, animated and coddled over by Jake West, he thanks simply EVERYBODY in his credits. ("Thanks for the free film, the free snacks, the free help, the free labour, we sure needed it!"--ver batim)

Liner notes on the back of the box do it the (in)justice it deserves:
"She's Smart, Slinky, Sexy, And She Bites! -- Over 150 years ago, Lilith Silver should have died as the innocent victim of a viscious pistol duel. But the victorious Sir Sethane Blake grants Lilith the gift (and curse) of eternal life, as a vampire. Today , Lilith stalks the urban underground as a contract assassin. Her femme Nikita skills paired with her need for a constant supply of blood, makes Lilith an unstoppable and lethal force. One by one, Lilith takes down the leaders of an organized crime sect with supernatural powers. Meanwhile, the police narrow in to try and stop them both as the body count rises faster than your heart rate in this pulse pounding vampire frenzy!"

Opening voice-over informs us that "My enemy is boredom." The film is certainly not boring and not very good.

97 minutes never hurt so bad! Delicious trash. The best thing since "Showgirls."