DESKTOPS!
(click
for bigguns)
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WHO gave Jake West all that money!? WHO'S to blaaaame!?
Jake had a dream! Jake had a dream! Jake had one long
wet dream of a movie.
Jake! Jake! What were you thinking? Who died and left
you Jesse Franco?
No cliché is left unturned in this ... œuvre
by Jake West. Take one from column A, and two from colu
mn B. Jake kept all of his notes from film school. What's
your pleasure? An opening sequence with vomiting
razor blades? An angel-dust snorting bumbling detective
who whittles his own wooden stakes during a "stake-out,"
and who has a propensity to get kicked in the nuts a
lot and whose dying utterance is "Bollocks"?
Illuminati conspiracy Masonic secret society running
the government, if not the world? Vampire lesbianism
in latex with a soundtrack by "Curve"? Breasts, breasts
and more breasts? Breasts
squeezing out of latex? Breasts not moving at all?
Weird breasts? Collagen
lips on the star, to accentuate the breasts? Death
by orgasm? Gratuitous dream sequences and black and
white 19th century flashbacks
with erronous period piece clothing? (Is that a cravat
or a tie? Neither! It's a dinner
napkin with jellybeans on it!) Special blue lighting
for the star? Champagne glasses falling in slow motion
and breaking on terra cotta tiles? Three
inch fangs that consistently break the fourth wall?
Snakey pirhouettes
in and out of doorways? Requisite goth-club shooting
in "Transilvania" with a soundtrack of "Bela Lugosi's
Dead" peopled by ugly
goat-goth boys? A coffin serving as a gun cabinet?
Vampire myth debunking with "wit" and
far too much lipstick? Vill-ains with im-peck-uh-bull
uh-nun-see-ay-shun?
Duels, pistols, sword fighting, marshal arts, decapitation,
and sex all peppered with glib one-liner "dialogue"?
(Platinum: "I've always had a soft spot for you Lilith."
[He thrusts] Lilith Silver: "Ohh! And a hard one, too!")
Did we miss anything, Jake, cause you sure didn't.
Written, produced, directed, edited, animated and coddled
over by Jake West, he thanks simply EVERYBODY in his
credits. ("Thanks for the free film, the free snacks,
the free help, the free labour, we sure needed it!"--ver
batim)
Liner notes on the back of the box do it the (in)justice
it deserves:
"She's Smart, Slinky, Sexy, And She Bites! -- Over 150
years ago, Lilith Silver should have died as the innocent
victim of a viscious pistol duel. But the victorious
Sir Sethane Blake grants Lilith the gift (and curse)
of eternal life, as a vampire. Today , Lilith stalks
the urban underground as a contract assassin. Her femme
Nikita skills paired with her need for a constant supply
of blood, makes Lilith an unstoppable and lethal force.
One by one, Lilith takes down the leaders of an organized
crime sect with supernatural powers. Meanwhile, the
police narrow in to try and stop them both as the body
count rises faster than your heart rate in this pulse
pounding vampire frenzy!"
Opening voice-over informs us that "My enemy is boredom."
The film is certainly not boring and not very good.
97 minutes never hurt so bad! Delicious trash. The best
thing since "Showgirls."
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